kameelahwrites

migration!

2010-04-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

i've have moved over to blog.kameelahr.com. needed a space that didn't carry the baggage of 2006-2009. i imported just the 2010 posts. please visit me there. i will keep kameelahwrites up for two more weeks before it's gone. thanks folks! it's been a fun ride, but transition and change is so necessary.

below is the screenshot for my new space:

also photos from nyc:

36/2010: f-stop magazine.

2010-04-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

almost forgot...two of my photographs were selected for f-stop magazine's open theme for the months of april and may. i sent in 11 photos and they chose the following two:

traffic light

lonely floors

35/2010: i have a real portfolio!

2010-04-09T08:27:00.001-07:00

i finally coughed up the extra dollars to have a real portfolio. go check it out here:

also, some new photos (and some throwbacks):

34/2010: public transportation-35mm.

2010-04-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

33/2010: night shots.

2010-04-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

32/2010: moody.

2010-04-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

i am in a bright mood, but i love my moody and dark photographs.

31/2010: process.

2010-03-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

1. missed fajr. FAIL.
2. said, "these streets smell like piss, bbq, and hope. good morning."
3. designed cover for anthology.
4. crossed a bunch of things off my to do list.
5. cried a bit about how much i love teaching and students. be a teacher for a year and you'll met some amazing folks.
6. order a necklace & scarf from urban outfitters.
7. listened to michael jackson's 'pretty young thing' and felt like it could have been about me.
8. listened to jay electronica's 'exhibit c' and remembered that 'you either build or destroy.'
9. wrote this post.

30/2010: realization.

2010-03-27T17:08:00.000-07:00

sometimes you think you are fighting others and the impressions others hold of you. this is all before you reach that celebratory realization that you have in fact been fighting yourself--the fear you create and the previous incarnations of a young and unsure spirit.

it's been a long day made longer my unnecessary doubt and bad music. but i am good, now. Allah has a way of sending me a message (often great news via gmail) to kick me back and gear and remind me that good things are here NOW and COMING.

hustle, hustle, hustle. really, there is no time to fret and to be doubtful. doubt has been my best buddy for too long. time to end this unhealthy relationship.

29/2010: expired 35mm film (not sure what year-1970s), px 135-20 kodak plus x-pan.

2010-03-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

split shadows 2.

split shadows.

spill.

28/2010: lockers & feet.

2010-03-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

lockers.

feet.

27/2010: peculiar place.

2010-03-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

i am in a peculiar place. it is uncomfortable and unpredictable. however, i am learning a lot of patience. words escape me. i am trying my best to avoid oblique prose and nonsense which is at least part of the reason why i've abandoned writing to an extent. silence is a good thing. i have found myself rather silent these days. sometimes i wander about taking photographs, and rarely speak. there is something comfortable in disconnecting for a bit to interpret silence because at times there is so much to absorb and render meaningful.

i am not sad. i am just reflective and aloof at times.

there are several amazing things happening in my life right now and i think that may be the source of my anxiety. i lack the time to make sense of everything and everyone entering my life.

i hope to have more time soon.

26/2010: march reflection.

2010-03-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

i have been absent from this space for a while. in the past few months, word have not come very easily. photographs are much easier to produce and seem to better articulate my moods. it is quite difficult to write. i feel like i do not have the words to craft coherent sentences. i am always tired. all i can say at this point is that things are changing. it's a disorienting feeling. i want to be still and present, but it has become increasingly difficult. i am distant these days. i need to make a lot of decisions in the coming weeks and i am not sure what i am doing. inshaAllah, whatever i decide brings a sense of calm. i am just trying to find my way back home. home being that spiritual and physical place where i feel rested but not restless. trying to find my way home.

i know i need to do more work reconnecting with my creator. it seems that in these times, Him and i grow distant not because i do not need Him but because i feel overwhelmed by battle between routine and ritual versus love-inspired action. sometimes when i am praying, i am so distracted and careless. there are days when prayer and dhikr are centered and purposeful--not ritual. i want to go back there. i just need a cocoon to crawl into for a few days to sort things out.

25/2010: air.

2010-03-06T22:20:00.000-08:00

i love everything about this photo.

24/2010: 35mm.

2010-03-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

(62) 365/2010: getting tacos.

(53) 365/2010: 'do you feel like a remnant/of something that's past/ do you find things are moving/ just a little too fast'*

(53a)

23/2010: i am here (with photos).

2010-03-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

(52) 365/2010: forward.

(51) 365/2010: lonely rotations.

(50) 365/2010: burnt orange morning.

(49) 365/2010:'i've been here before, dreaming myself/backwards, among grappling hooks of light.../hunger quivers on a fleshy string/at the crossroad.so deep in the lore,/ there's only tomorrow today where darkness/ splinters & wounds the bird of paradise...'* (* yusef komunyakaa's poem 'confluence' from his 'thieves of paradise' collection)

(49c) 365/2010: POWER [lines]

(49b) 365/2010.

(49a) 365/2010.

22/2010: competition.

2010-02-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

re: competition between artists.

i think certain degrees of competition are natural because it pushes you to improve. however, i find competition between artists trite and counterproductive. i think art of any medium is about making your spirit visible and making yourself vulnerable. i am not sure why people think it is possible to compare spirits and create hierarchies of vulnerability. my work is just as much for me as it is for others. and in most cases, when we compare our work to others, we are comparing output (what we see), rather than looking at the input (what cannot always be seen--the emotion, the spirit, etc). it makes sense that our work is different, because our spirits are different.

i am not sure if i am articulating all of this well, but i am trying. what i want to be clear is that we have a responsibility to be true to ourselves. whatever that means. if we are untrue to ourselves we are depriving the world of something special...maybe the most beautiful thing you could have ever created..

21/2010: darkroom.

2010-02-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

i love the darkroom. it is a meditative space...just you, that red light, and the chemicals. i don't like when people talk to me in the darkroom because i feel like the process of creating an image is a sacred moment.

these are a few that i've printed so far. i haven't been in the darkroom since 2005. my first time back in was quite an experience. i never strive for perfection with my prints. i like the rough edges and the darkness. i like moody and grainy photos. i have never been very interested in 'nature shots' because they seem so mundane at times. consequently, i focused on shadows and darkness when shooting this time around.

(48) 365/2010: somber.

black.

20/2010: something...in the way of things.

2010-02-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

up.

baltimore-2006...lost&found photos.

brother's shadows.

some kind of beige.

brother's ghosts.

light straddle.

19/2010: other.

2010-02-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

18/2010: photo a day #44-48.

2010-02-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

(47) 365/2010: tv glow.

(46) 365/2010: purple.

(45) 365/2010: creep.

(44) 365/2010: push.

17/2010: 14th street/joyce gordon gallery.

2010-02-13T09:59:00.000-08:00

i am in the all women group show, 'for colored girls only,' a celebration of women representing every “color, age, size, gender, local and international as a form of politics/non-politics, and as a body of thought at the joyce gordon gallery in oakland. [and an article by nijla mu'min on oakland local: she who comes with her own things]

photos from the evening:

lonely floors.

spectator.

descent.

16/2010: fall up.

2010-02-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

(43) 365/2010: lure.

(42) 365/2010: gloom.

15/2010: moving parts.

2010-02-11T00:22:00.000-08:00

these fews weeks have been rather difficult. there are a lot of moving parts and i need to make many decisions. accepted a position as a visual arts editor, i may start freelance writing again, i have a group gallery show this weekend, working on summer travel plans, working on pulling this non-profit in rwanda together, being a teacher & pseudo-social worker...i am just trying to gain grounding. correcting papers, meetings, trying to keep up at the gym.

next week is a break for me. alhamdulillah.

14/2010: surplus from los angeles.

2010-02-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

light dots.

slauson.

rocker.

abandoned.

mantle.

lace trim.

screen shadow.

13/2010: fast forward.

2010-02-10T23:56:00.000-08:00

(41) 365/2010: black.

(41a) 365/2010: black.

(40) 365/2010: dark night.

(39) 365/2010: sfo waiting.

(38) 365/2010: secrets.

(37) 365/2010: cat feeding.

(36) 365/2010: red rain.

(35) 365/2010: drops.

(34a) 365/2010: test strip.

(34) 365/2010: wednesday flowers.

(33) 365/2010: closet space.

(32) 365/2010: marshes.

(31) 365/2010: carcass.

(30) 365/2010: table manners.

12/2010: blissful friday.

2010-01-30T09:06:00.000-08:00

(29) 365/2010: creation space.

this was a tough week. long and stagnant. somber. wet and messy.

but...

friday was beautiful. visitors from all over south africa came to visit my class. they sang, danced, and spoke about their lives. i wanted to cry, but was hesitant to display such a level of vulnerability in front of my students. i smiled a lot. my students noticed my happiness and asked if i missed south africa.

last year, i didn't have time and money to go to south africa last year and as a consequence, i have felt a bit sad and displaced. having these visitors in my classroom--in the space where i've spent most of my time for the past two years, took me back to south africa for 45 minutes. and it was a wonderful journey into time and back into time. i feel grateful that they welcomed ancestors and told their life stories in the space i stand and teach each day. their presence brought such a calming energy to room 5.

i do not have all the word to articulate my feelings. maybe the words do not exist. maybe they are trapped elsewhere and i do not have access to them.

it was just beautiful to hear students talk about wanting to go to south africa...and embracing the place i feel in love with in 2005. it was the moment i felt the most connected to my students and their welcoming spirit. it was the moment i realized that south africa is a magical space and people can fall in love with it instantly..just as i did. my students went into the experience with damaging and skewed perspectives of africa the continent, and left with realization that there are layers of knowing that they are just beginning to understand.

friday...i felt truly alive. you never know that you've been walking around a bit dead until something suddenly brings you back to life.

question is, how do i sustain this feeling of calm and happiness when not in south africa. that will be the struggle.

other reasons why this week was beautiful and blissful:

- my dad singing 'one nation under a grove' by funkadelic

- helping one of my advisee who believes she is dumb and incapable see her amazing artistic talent. she can draw, paint, and photograph beautifully. we are taking a trip to SF to visit the school of arts. this summer, i am helping her to enroll in two community college art classes. i have so much faith in this child's artistic talent and she is finally seeing talent as well

- helping a former student put her modeling portfolio together

- having dinner at the treehouse (stanford) with my little brother and my mom. when i was a student there, i loved the treehouse..it was nice to go back. revisiting geographies

- dropping off my photos for gallery exhibit

- playing around in the darkroom to make photograms

- the opportunity to shot portraits with expired film

- starting photography book with students (each is selecting a person and shooting 5 portraits along with an interview...criteria is 'a story that NEEDS to be told.'

- found a $20 copy of 'the sweet flypaper of life'

11/2010: photo a day.

2010-01-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

i am playing catch up...

(18) 365/2010: 'each pause a clock inside stone...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'translating footsteps' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(19) 365/2010: 'i could almost walk on air/ the first time i couldn't get enough/ of something & in that embrace...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'a good memory' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(19a)

(20) 365/2010: yellow curtain.

(21) 365/2010: leading.

(22) 365/2010: rainy day reflections.

(23) 365/2010: picket fence.

(24) 365/2010: white lines.

(25) 365/2010: new hobby.

(26) 365/2010: puddle trees.

(27) 365/2010: colored nights.

(28) 365/2010: frames.

10/2010: back/memory lane/risks.

2010-01-27T06:26:00.000-08:00

i am on my way to work, so i did not have a chance to edit this. sorry for any typos, but i wanted to get this out...now.

i know i have been away from this blog for now 10 days. i am not gone, but horribly busy and hopefully productive. things have been rough as i am figuring out a couple of things about my life and direction. i have been spending a lot of time in the east bay...which has been nice minus the crazy and persistent men on the street.

i have the tendency to believe everyone's life is going swell and i am the only person who feels stuck. we are all stuck. and the more i realize how blessed and privileged i am, the more i am coming to understand that my feelings of redundancy and staleness are in most cases self-inflicted. i am hardwired not to take risk and not to experiment a bit with alternative ways of constructing my life and art. if anyone knows me, i do a risk analysis for everything. maybe i should have worked in insurance. i am focused on maximizing a sense of stability and routine even if that means i am not trying something new.

the most courageous thing i have ever done was when i packed up my things and moved to johannesburg, south africa in 2006. i did not know anyone there. i knew my fulbright advisor would pick me up from the airport, but i did not even know what he looked like. when i met him, he was carrying a sign with my name spelled incorrectly. he'd written in on a torn box in a black sharpie. all my luggage was floating around washington d.c., so he gave he R200 (around 3o USD), dropped me off at the bed and breakfast and said, 'i'll see you in a few days.' i spent the first few weeks really confused and sad.

eventually, i left my apartment and met some people. the first person i met was an american girl with whom i'd attended undergraduate. i then met this lovely white woman named claire. she was great. she basically took me in as her child. she wrote her phone number down on this flyer for 'marxism day in soweto.' i didn't call for days. then i did. she picked me up in a rust colored car and we along with two men who i eventually became good friends with, took an hour drive into soweto. the next day, i was at her house for her birthday party where i argued with tshepo about whether i was actually black, a well-known activist (i wont name him) tried to seduce me with his wife in the next room, and i talked to some australian travelers claire had picked up along the way. pictures.

time progressed and i met many more people. i took another risk and walked into newtown (the arts district) and signed up for printmaking classes. i met a lot of people here. i also stumbled upon this rasta community of men. had never realized the love rasta men have for muslim women. but they were cool. they taught me a lot about their practice and fed me well.

i have to run to work...but i will reminisce more when i have a free moment.

what i am trying to articulate is that i need to take more risks because i was my happiest when i just tried something new...like moving to another country. maybe the next risk shouldn't be so extreme, but ya...

9/2010: haiti--'broke illusion's hymen.'

2010-01-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

haiti.

i have reserved most commentary up until this point. there is a lot of discourse floating about these here internets and i do not have the energy to scour the www. to find every comment. i will say a few things. i find it unfortunate and perverse that the only moments haiti garners any international attention is when there is a disaster. and even with this disaster, it presents itself as an opportunity for to perpetuate more myths about haiti, black bodies, and savior narratives.

re narratives and illusion: 'blasphemy' by yusef komunyakaa

re haiti as spectacle: there is someone deriving sexual pleasure from these scenes. poverty porn. suffering porn. someone is getting off. is it okay to film haitians receiving medical attention. is it not too invasive? do they deserve some level of privacy?

re haiti and adoption: there are a bunch of orphaned haitian children.there were plenty before. but i wonder...will any hollywood stars adopt those kids? curious.

re disaster as industry: someone is making some money from this tragedy. someone has to be contracted to rebuild.

my stomach drops when i see these photos. i cannot breathe sometimes.

everyone has been talking about 'helping' haiti because it's sooo very poor and desperate. very few have taken the time to investigate the root causes of this desperation. becoming the first nation of black slaves to defeat their colonizers and establish a free nation (which was wrought with it's own collection of post-slavery issues) left many european nations both angry and scared. since the 1800s, the united states has engaged in embargoes and other punitive policies related to land ownership, interference in elections, support of dictatorships, occupations, etc.

8/2010: magical internets & information overload.

2010-01-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

there is too much input. there is so much information coming from every corner of the world and these here magical internets. beautiful things, but overwhelming. some days i think about going completely analog. disconnect. i know it wont last long, but i want to try disconnected weekends or hours. my phone is always on, always checking my email, always responding to texts. and tumblr. i believe that tumblr induces my anxiety and worsens my attention span. it encourages the illusion that everything in the world, at some determined point, can be reduced to knowable, possessable objects of knowledge. or maybe this is just my problem. i am an archiver, collector, aspiring historian, etc. but sometimes i can't get a grip of all that there is to know and understand. i do not expect to have mastery of every war, political leader, artistic movement, or emily dickinson poem...but i'd like to feel afloat. these magical internets have opened up great opportunity as far as information access. but i am curious: what happens when we grow more concerned about collecting souvenirs and bits if inofrmation rather than understanding the depth of what we discover? i want to discover and savor. seems like a lot of discovery happens, but there is very little time to process.

i want to slow down. breathe. focus on one task. no more multi-tasking. single tasks. read one book at a time. invest a hour and carefully responding to one email.

i do take the time to take self portraits. gives me a chance to slow down a bit.

(13) 365/2010: 'say something that resuscitates/ us, behind the masks...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'safe subject' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

what happens when i lose focus during meetings (i doodle & color):

7/2010: series a day #12-17.

2010-01-17T14:33:00.000-08:00

(17) 365/2010: 'he's home safe, i'm ready./ my traveling shoes on, my teeth/ in. i got clean underwear.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'birds on a powerline' from his 'neon vernacular' (http://www.upne.com/0-8195-2208-2.html) collection.

(16) 365/2010: 'tonight's a lazy rhapsody of shadows/ swaying to blue vertigo/ & metaphysical funk'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'elegy for thelonious' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(15) 365/2010: 'ghost under the skin in the bedlam'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'villon/leadbelly' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(14) 365/2010: 'its senseless beauty/ pours a hard light...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'elegy for thelonious' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(12) 365/2010: 'the mainspring of notes & extended/ possibility--what falls on either side/ of a word...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

6/2010: series a day #11.

2010-01-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

(11) 365/2010: 'a big red lampshade bloodied/ the room, as if held by a mad diogenes.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'song for my father' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

5/2010: going.

2010-01-12T01:39:00.001-08:00

been going and going. taking the BART into 'town'-berkeley and oakland. a man named tom readjusts my nose piercing. dreaming about possibilities as he forces metal pliers up my nose. drawing and making notes. engaging with folks i met. the men who call me names when i refuse them. this is why i have to stop smiling in public. it's hard. eating well--tofu & avocado sandwich with garlic fries. hot tea. thai soup. tempeh blt. vegan chocolate cookie. saw a beautiful brother at blondie's pizza on telegraph--skin dark as winter nights, blue & white kufi. i didn't say hi. he was focused on that pizza and i am shy. bought bracelets and rings from a tibetan man who always looks into my eyes with intent. he fits my bracelets and rings in store. sends me on my way. smiling. i carry new jewelry, but only on my left side. my body is uneven but balanced. today, talked to a student over the phone about her contractions. she is in pain. she is 16. she will have her first child soon. madrina. reading yusef komunyakaa-'riding the hipbone of memory.' he talks a lot about memory, body parts, sweating, and feces-'in this cellular dirt & calligraphy of excrement.' closed my eyes, soaked my piercing in warn salt water. asked for forgiveness for whatever i've done but don't remember. watched 12 minutes of roseanne. sleep.

4/2010: series a day #3-10.

2010-01-10T20:28:00.001-08:00

i know i am terribly behind, but i am making up for it now. enjoy...

(10) 365/2010 'good/ with knives, we believed/we weren't poor.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'good memory: meat' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(9) 365/2010: TRAFFIC LIGHT & 'dark harmonies./bright as lamentations behind a spasm band from new orleans.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(7) 365/2010: 'when you two laugh, her rheumatism/slips out the window like the burgular/she hears nightly.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'little man around the house' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(6) 365/2010: 'lyrical against the day's sharp edges.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(5) 365/2010: 'of 3am sorrow.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue is' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(4) 365/2010: 'to wrestle/the mind down to unrelenting white space.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(3) 365/2010: 'the limbo & bridge of a solo...'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

3/2010: washed out.

2010-01-03T20:42:00.000-08:00

working up on some courage. right now, feeling a bit washed out. all in due time. i need a break longer than 16 days.

2/2010: abu | series a day #2.

2010-01-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

instead of a photo a day, i am working on a series of photos a day then pairing them with a poem by either e.e.cummings, yusef komunyakaa, emily dickinson, or haryette mullen. i will probably use the first month of series for the 6th annual fun-a-day in january. the 6th annual fun-a-day is organized through the art clash collective and brings together creative folks in the bay area to exhibit their 31 days of artistic creationat the rock, papers, scissors collective in oakland. one creation a day for the month of january!

>> the second series is about my father (abu).

the second series is ABU | 2010

yesterday, my father performed his poetry for the first time. he was nervous, but it was liberating to see him in such a vulnerable state--voluntarily. cancer has made him vulnerable without having asked permission first.

(2) 365/2010: 'we always walked circles around/ you, wider each year,/hungering for stories/ to save ourselves from ourselves.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'songs for my father' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(2a) 365/2010: 'slow, erratic, memory's loose...'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue is' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(2b) 365/2010: 'the tongue labors,/a victrola in the mad mouth hole/of 3 a.m. sorrow.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue is' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

1/2010: war games | series a day #1.

2010-01-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

instead of a photo a day, i am working on a series of photos a day then pairing them with a poem by either e.e.cummings, yusef komunyakaa, emily dickinson, or haryette mullen. i will probably use the first month of series for the 6th annual fun-a-day in january. the 6th annual fun-a-day is organized through the art clash collective and brings together creative folks in the bay area to exhibit their 31 days of artistic creation at the rock, papers, scissors collective in oakland. one creation a day for the month of january!

>> the first series, without intention, is connected to an image i uploaded a few days ago. originally, i named it 'it's not burning/add four parts patriotism' but i changed it to 'you can hug flags into triangles,/but can't hide blood/by tucking in the corners.' title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

'you can hug flags into triangles,/but can't hide blood/by tucking in the corners.' | 2009

__________________________________________

the first series is WAR GAMES | 2010

a few weeks ago, i took my students to san francisco for a photography day. it was raining and at one point we took refuge in a dollar store across the street from the BART station. while inside, i decided to buy a bag of 90 ct. green and tan plastic army men. i was certain that i would use them for a photography project at some point and this morning, i did.

i am always curiously disturbed by the militarization of youth via toys. as a teacher, i want to think more earnestly about this.

(1) 365/2010: 'xerozed on brainmatter./grid-squares of words spread like dirty oil over a lake./the tongue even lies to itself,/gathering wildfire for songs of gibe.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue it' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1a) 365/2010: '¬ blink: breathe in,/hold it till the heart/slows down. the click/of white ball against black/like a kiss'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1b) 365/2010: 'blowing a soundless whistle'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1c) 365/2010: 'i took orders, made my trail/of blood'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1d) 365/2010: 'along a precipice of indifference./i can't trust my hands with loved ones, the drum under my skin.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

351/2009: enter 2010.

2009-12-31T23:35:00.000-08:00

::enter | 2009 (all over)

enter. enter 2010 peacefully and patiently. find your path and commit. happy new year. be safe. be loved. be joyful.

350/2009: in love--nneka &'heartbeat.'

2009-12-30T11:49:00.001-08:00

i don't care what anyone says about nigerian folks. some of my favorite folks are nigerian...fela, femi, now nneka. how did i not know about nneka?

and while you are at it download new mixtape collaboration from nigerian-born singer nneka and brooklyn dj j.period, which dropped december 15th.

349/2009: portraiture.

2009-12-30T01:44:00.000-08:00

::short stuff | 2009 (my apartment, dining room)

by far, my ability to take photos of myself was a sign of meaningful growth this year...

::four parts deem (little brother) | 2009 (parent's house, living room)

348/2009: anxiety building/mapping.

2009-12-30T01:37:00.000-08:00

as i am thinking about going back to work, my anxiety is building. these past few weeks have been difficult and i have been so grateful for this time off from teaching and being 'on.' trying to map a pathway for balance between my personal life and my work life. i need to create boundaries/borders/checkpoints/demarcations/roadsigns. in 2010, i need to say 'no.'

::maps | 2009 (my apartment, living room)

347/2009: slippery syntax.

2009-12-29T13:02:00.000-08:00

::solitude | 2009 (my apartment, dining room)

"'I grew up with a lot of punctuation myself, so I understand your nostalgia for parentheses,' the dashing Sister Ka exclaimed to her dingbat friend across the periodic table."
- harryette mullen, 'swift tommy' in sleeping with the dictionary (2002), p.70.
**
written months, maybe a year ago...Slippery syntax makes for graceful ellipsis, and pragmatically placed parenthesis are an efficient escape. I can hide the parts of me others would rather not see and that I'd rather not see. There is grammar and there is identity. The grammar of identity is not always about reflexives and pronouns; rather it is about the punctuation--the periods, colons, and commas--that create undesirable borderlands between identities.

346/2009: you might think the system's tone deaf, but our software is immune. you are the virus that keeps it in tune.

2009-12-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

i really enjoy harryette mullen's writing. it is obscure, incongruent, and deliciously cryptic. i want to take her writing and combine it in some magical way with soundbites from sufjan stevens and jay electronica, snippets of e.e.cummings-emily dickinson-yusef komunyakaa poetry, a low quality recording of an octavia butler interview and a river baptism...down south somewhereabouts...as a mobile performance piece. would be nice to find a place for fela kuti as well. i dream of these magical collaborations...a wonder it would be to orchestrate something like this. i should take this more seriously. how do we map the connections between all these bits & scraps? how do we craft this into a seamless/or not so seamless (sometimes, seeing the seams are good...evidence of editing and human hands) production?

mullen's work is very referential...like paul beatty's 'white boy shuffle.' she makes the reader work.

i wanted to share a piece of writing from mullen's, sleeping with the dictionary (2002).

resistance is fertile |

this system needs your moral fiber like a bowel of x brand flakes. if your kind cannot be assimilated to make spare parts for borg wars, your resistance challenges the ant farm to adapt. you might think the system's tone deaf, but our software is immune. you are the virus that keeps it in tune. we are the tolerant host, which makes you the guest worker colony of e.coli, the chitlins inside the chitlins. catching hits off our perfect pitch, your contra fit's a false note passed through the phony caca. we call you irresponsible, say you're indigestible, and it's undeniably true it's tough to swallow you. your data resisted analysis, but if you are not consumed, your flawed construction only proves that we are perfection cubed. did you need the read the label on olean to know the sos goes out when the chip's going down? to cuisinart our metaphors once again, let's just say that dracula's liquid protein diet could use some roughage to help with his next smooth move. a bloodsucker's got to worry about irregularity. so pollsters press the pulse, take specimens of blood count. pundits pooh-pooh as law and order candidate bruce wayne leaves his potty to go on a turd-pooty ticket.... (p.60)

345/2009: a year in review-mapping, flight, rituals.

2009-12-28T21:56:00.001-08:00

i had fun creating this quick animation in photoshop cs3. next time, i am going to use only text and see how that develops.

::mapping, flight, rituals | 2009 (all over)

2010 commitments:

consistently go to arabic class and memorize last juz of the quran.
be a better muslim. this takes on a variety of meaning.
say no to things i do not want to do.
not being hard on myself for making mistakes. forgive myself.
curate photography exhibit w/ms. alice wonder in the d.c./maryland/virginia.
publish a piece of fiction writing (against emily dickinson's warning in her poem, Publication is Auction/Of the Mind of Man--' (P, 709). 'emily dickison: a collection of critical essays,' farr writes, 'she declares publishing 'foul' with fastidious and spirited hauteur [...]').
finish using a notebook/journal. i have a nasty habit of starting notebooks and never finishing.
write more.
read one book every month.
take more photos. build portfolio.
have more confidence in my appearance.
continue to get in shape. this year, i lost about 20 pounds and tightened up a bit. next year, same thing but more quickly.
run 5k in oakland running festival/marathon
take a dance class in oakland at the malonga casquelourd center for the arts.
go to seattle for the rain.
journey back to johannesburg and photograph rasta community.
journey down south.
be a better teacher. take breaks. assess more. nurture more.

2009 soundtrack:

jay electronica- 'exhibit c'
jay electronica- 'etermal sunshine (the pledge)'
foreign exchange- 'daykeeper'
sam cooke- 'a change is gonna come'
jill scott- 'be ready'
jill scott f/mos def- 'love rain'
pete rock- 'a little soul'
pharcyde-'can't keep running away'
death cab for cutie- 'a lack of color'
the decemberist- 'today i dreamed i was an architect'
nina simone- 'feeling good'
nina simone- 'four women'
sufjan stevens- 'a short reprise for mary todd who went insane'
sufjan stevens- 'decatur, or a round of applause for our stepmother'
sufjan stevens- 'you are the blood'
sufjan stevens- 'john wayne gracy, jr.'
sufjan stevens- 'the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us!'
sufjan stevens- 'concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illinois'
brother ali- 'tightrope'
brother ali- 'games'
brother ali- 'you say (puppy love)'
zion i- 'trippin'
black spade/nicolay- 'i am the man'
georgia anne muldrow- 'wheels'
rjd2- 'making days longer'
atmosphere- 'history'
the shins- 'sleeping lessons'
fela kuti- 'water get no enemy'
coco rosie- 'haitian love songs'
coco rosie- 'by your side'
j.period & k'naan- 'ololufe mi (messengers remix)'
mos def/dj honda- 'travelin' man'
cat power- 'sea of love'
coldplay- 'spies'
coldplay- 'sparks'
lauryn hill f/ common & black thought- 'like water (remix)'
lauryn hill- 'dedication: a change is gonna come (live in uk)'
john coltrane- 'afro blue'
res- '700 mile situation'
talib kweli, common, mos def- 'respiration (pete rock remix)'
feist- 'brandy alexander'
feist- 'past in present'
gil scott-heron- 'the bottle'
arctic monkeys- 'florescent adolescent'
michael jackson- 'pretty young thing'
jamiroquai- 'canned heat'
regina spektor- 'chemo'
regina spektor- 'ghost of corporate future'
wax poetic f/norah jones- 'angels'
fiona apple- 'the first taste'
little dragon- 'the last'
little dragon- 'twice'
lykke li- 'little bit'
the roots- 'clock with no hand'
talib kweli f/les nubians- 'love language'
yeah yeah yeahs- 'maps'
amanda ray- 'body of gold'
nneka f/talib kweli- 'heartbeat (j.period remix)'
telepopmusik- 'breathe'
the cranberries- 'ridiculous thoughts'
les nubians- 'makeda'
modest mouse- 'ocean breathes salty'
modest mouse- 'float on'
sigur ros- 'saeglopur'
billie holiday- 'i'll look around'
ian kamau- 'majority report'
ian kamau- 'april fools'
anthony hamilton- 'ain't nobody worrying'

344/2009: pancakes, e.e. cummings, and piercings.

2009-12-28T14:46:00.000-08:00

my mom checked in on my blog and said, 'kameelahwrites has fallen off. remember when you actually wrote stuff?' point well taken. i will try to be a good writer today and share some updates.

christmas day: on christmas day, i went down to glide memorial church in san francisco to serve lunch/dinner. it was a great experience. it was very humbling and i kept thanking Allah (swt) for continuously giving me enough to share with others.

on the way home, a got in a little tussle with a man on the street. he came up to me asking me about donations and i said, 'sorry, i don't have anything to give.' he promptly responded 'but you got a fat ass..mmmhmmm, yea' to which i snarkily asked, 'are you counting that as a donation?' the faux repartee continued for about 3 minutes and ended in me yelling at him for looking at my behind because he said he had a 'right' to look. later, on my way home, his friend apologized. also, the man below reminded me that jesus loves me. and everyone.

::jesus christ, sephora & burger king | 2009 (san francisco, union square)

what i have been up to: i have been sitting around my house doing a whole lot of sleeping, eating, talking on the phone, and pretending to work. i have enjoyed the time off to do absolutely nothing. i don't even remember what i was doing this time last year. i was probably grading papers and being stressed out. this year, i was much better about getting my grading done ahead of time. more importantly, i decide to take a real break. i will grade in a few days. for now, i am going to listen to the 40GB of music on my computer, read the dozens of books (now collecting dust) that i never get to read, eat real meals, and watch daytime TV (which by the way is nothing more than bad court shows, telenovellas, unimportant talk shows, and crappy cartoons), do some yoga, complain about my loud neighbors, and leisurely clean my apartment. one food i am now obsessed with are these wheat and gluten free pancakes from trader joes. i don't even like pancakes, but try these with some honey and fresh blueberries and i promise that it is heavenly. also, hemp granola + soy yogurt + sliced bananas + a drizzle of honey--also all kinds of happiness. below is a picture of my plate post-pancake adventure.

::wheat & gluten free pancake aftermath | 2009 (my apartment, my dining room table)

books: my mama with whom i had an attitude over something i cannot even remember gave me a $25 barnes and noble gift card. i was upset that they did not stock any percival everett books so i decided to purchase e.e. cummings 'tulips & chimneys,' audre lorde's 'the black unicorn,' and walt whitman's 'song of myself.' i would like to read these before the new year, but who knows what will happen. i am also waiting for three yusef komunyakaa collections of poetry--'neon vernacular,' 'thieves of paradise,' and 'talking dirty to the gods.'

other purchases: brand new mattress, two beautiful rings, good food,

piercings & skin: on december 26, i went to get my nose pierced. i had been thinking about a nose piercing, but was hesitant and refused to do anything without meticulous research. i was at a dermatology appointment in oakland and my dermatologist suggested zebra's tattoo and body piercing on telegraph street in berkeley because i needed to go somewhere where they would use surgical steel, otherwise my sensitive skin would react horribly. the customer service at zebra's was great. being the germaphobe that i am, i asked a lot of questions and read all of their safety information. my piercer was very polite. he helped me breath, made a couple of jokes, and reassured me. it was painful and i released one big tear. before i went into the back room for my piercing, i noticed a couple of staring folks. i guess it is odd to see a hijabi in a tattoo and piercing spot. hmph.

i now have a great dermatologist. expensive, but deserved, needed, appreciated. all of my skin problems can be traced back to some unidentified food and scent allergies. as of december 19th, i was told i cannot have any peanuts, citrus, tomatoes, dairy (of course), and a bunch of other things i cannot remember. also, my detergent and dies in clothing irritate my skin. consequently, i have to use a special detergent and be very particular about the clothing i now purchase.

::nose piercing | 2009 (my apartment, dining room)

getting organized: below is a picture of all the crap i carry in my purse, daily. i am trying to not be a bag lady and limit my purse contents to bare necessities. i am not sure what constitutes as a necessity yet.

::in my bag | 2009 (my apartment, my living room floor)

343/2009: san francisco.

2009-12-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

alleyway-post&taylor | 2009 (san francisco, on the way to serve christmas dinner at glide memorial church)

fred's liquor & deli | 2008 (san francisco, on the way to the killers concert)

342/2009: Allah knows, while you do not.

2009-12-24T22:52:00.000-08:00

“It may happen that you detest something despite it being good for you and you may love something while it is evil for you. And God knows, while you do not.” [Q: 2: 216]

341/2009: this place is a dream.

2009-12-24T12:08:00.000-08:00

this place is a dream. only a sleeper considers it real. then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughingat what you thought was your grief.

-rumi

this is so real, right now.

as 2010 approaches, i want to enter the new year without baggage. knowing that i can do better and deserve better means actively pursuing this good.

the fear of an unknown never resolves, because the unknown expands infinitely outward, leaving you to cling pitifully to any small shelter of the known: a cracker has twelve calories; the skin, when cut, bleeds.

-caroline kettlewell

'it's not burning/add four parts patriotism.' (2006, washington d.c.)

'spit' (2006, washington, d.c.)

340/2009: 'i stumbled on this photograph...back down memory lane.'

2009-12-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

in 2005, i was 19.

i never traveled outside the state of california but ironically was preparing to leave the country. by february 2005, i was living and studying in cape town, south africa as an exchange student at the university of cape town. i was also volunteering in the khayelitsha township at the baphumelele orphanage.

below are photos i took with my very first digital camera. it was a bulky 4 megapixel canon powershot that i meticulously researched before making my purchase. i never uploaded many of these photos, nor did i share them with others because they were grainy. i did not think they were beautiful because in my naivety, i believed beautiful shots needed to be perfect and unblemished.

looking at this pictures years later, i love the graininess. i love the imperfection. i love the ambiguity. i love the eeriness and darkness. i think these characteristics reflect the moments well.

so strange to think that this was four years ago. how i have grown. i miss my babies. i hope they are okay. i hope they found a sense of home. i hope they are healthy, blessed, and living beautifully.

339/2009: lists.

2009-12-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

i like lists. i have made them since i was able to write. they help me catalog...(help me obsess)...they feed the necessary illusion of order/the ability to capture-catalog-categorize-know all. lists are probably unhealthy. they are like insular museums. i have unfinished notebooks full of lists.

words.
vesperal
prefatory
terse
orchestrated
obstinacies
oblique
canon
orbit
constellations
funeous
surrogate
deploy

poets & the like.
haryette mullen
yusef komunyakaa
octavia butler
emily dickinson
e.l. doctorow

phrases.
scattered run-ins with
home had seemed to be a piece of luck

338/2009: israel admits harvesting palestinian organs.

2009-12-20T18:02:00.000-08:00

Israel has admitted that pathologists harvested organs from dead Palestinians, and others without the consent of their families – a practice that it said ended in the 1990s, it emerged at the weekend.

The admission, by the former head of the country's forensic institute, followed a furious row prompted by a Swedish newspaper reporting that Israel was killing Palestinians in order to use their organs – a charge that Israel denied and called "antisemitic".

The revelation, in a television documentary, is likely to generate anger in the Arab and Muslim world and reinforce sinister stereotypes of Israel and its attitude to Palestinians. Iran's state-run Press TV tonight reported the story, illustrated with photographs of dead or badly injured Palestinians.

Ahmed Tibi, an Israeli Arab MP, said the report incriminated the Israeli army.

The story emerged in an interview with Dr Yehuda Hiss, former head of the Abu Kabir forensic institute near Tel Aviv. The interview was conducted in 2000 by an American academic who released it because of the row between Israel and Sweden over a report in the Stockholm newspaper Aftonbladet.

Channel 2 TV reported that in the 1990s, specialists at Abu Kabir harvested skin, corneas, heart valves and bones from the bodies of Israeli soldiers, Israeli citizens, Palestinians and foreign workers, often without permission from relatives.

The Israeli military confirmed to the programme that the practice took place, but added: "This activity ended a decade ago and does not happen any longer."

Hiss said: "We started to harvest corneas ... whatever was done was highly informal. No permission was asked from the family.

read more

337/2009: dwight shrute & second life.

2009-12-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

this is another photo by spaceship george/kwesi abbensetts. his work is eerie and moving. i've talked about him before. i'd love to watch him work. he takes the most captivating images. they are grainy, ambiguous, and imperfect--like most folks, especially me. i wonder what he is thinking as he takes photos.

i love 'the office.' whenever i am having a bad day, 'the office' gives me a good giggle. today's uplifting moment comes from dear old dwight shrute. by far, he is my favorite character.

in a conversation with jim halpert, dwight says, 'i signed up for second life about a year ago. back then, my life was so great i literally wanted a second one. absolutely everything was the same... except I could fly.'

how wonderful would it be if we all believed that our lives were great enough to be lived a second time around?

336/2009: spiritually rich.

2009-12-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

"At stake are two different visions of faith, the Church of Caesar, powerful and rich; and the Church of Christ - loving, poor and spiritually rich." People of God (Penny Lernoux,1989)

335/2009: writing process & ritual.

2009-12-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

i am writing this article on PRECIOUS. i finally realized in college that it was impossible to just sit and write. consequently, i started experimenting with some new writing processes that made me feel comfortable enough to allow my style and voice to develop.

i thought i would share my writing process: write down all the words/phrases/syllables i want to use, collect quotes, search through books, print and rearrange like a puzzle

some notes thus far:

aesthetics of fascism in cinema: system of representation marked by centralization of authority...impoverished vocabulary & elementary syntax (umberto eco)--> we do not know how to talk about black issues and are not seeking out opportunities to learn how to do so. can cinema ever escape impoverished vocabulary & elementary syntax? they have 2 hours & must compress complexity into 120 min? should we expect cinema to be transformative or simply starting points...can we
maybe the tragedy of precious is not the film itself, but that we are more concerned with the fictionalized character of precious than the real women she was meant to represent....
accomplish in 2 hours what we have not been able to do otherwise ...how flexible is the cinematic art form?
what we receive from a film is dependent upon our starting point.
no matter what you throw at black folks, we will catch it and through some alchemy and voodoo turn into into a victory
no systemic change was necessary for precious to succeed so why can you not succeed like precious?
anecdote: youngest brother idris is an avid reader. his favorite genre is historical fiction, or so he tells the store clerks at the book store. when my brother was in 6th grade, one day i asked why he never reads books about black people and he responded, 'because they are all so depressing. someone gets raped or killed and either they never get over it or if they do it's because some white person saved them.'
spectacle
perverse pedagogy
poverty porn (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article5511650.ece) --> 'Like the bestselling novel by the Americanised Afghan Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns, Slumdog Millionaire is not a million miles away from a form of pornographic voyeurism.' // So, is it really “poverty porn” for the Westerner’s delectation? Are beatings, torture, and the maiming of street beggars a sick form of adult exotica?
Perhaps the question can be rephrased: does a morbid fascination with the suffering of others find a place in art and is “Slumdog” are a striking example of this? (http://blogs.reuters.com/india/2009/01/28/is-slumdog-millionaire-poverty-porn/)
fantasies of black life
cinema as battle ground
eating pigs feet
create a culture of consent
evangelicalism
permanent wars
stock files and place holders
masquerades
reduced to caricatures
who is sacrificed and offered up to ensure
performance of memory
interracial and intercolor redemption
in the 60 minutes clip, tyler perry says that they are 'bait' so he can draw in viewers and 'hit them' with something deeper. in 'precious' what is he hitting me with...i have missed the deeper moral (http://thethirtymilewoman.wordpress.com/2009/10/22/tyler-perrys-60-minutes-debut/)
ny times article (http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/11/06/movies/06precious.html?8dpc)
-"It howls and stammers, but it also sings." --> maybe this is the problem...it
- It’s partly a bootstrap drama of resilience and redemption, complete with a hardworking teacher (Paula Patton) wrangling a classroom full of disadvantaged girls. --> mike rose and hollywood pedagogy
An unstated but self-evident moral of “Precious,” set during Ronald Reagan’s presidency and based on a book published in the year of Bill Clinton’s welfare reform, is that government can provide not only a safety net, but also, in small and consequential ways, a lifeline. --> is this true?
juan williams at wall street journal (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703740004574514260044271666.html): Also increasingly absent are textured stories about rising above the realities of poverty, alienation and racism. Those redemptive works, with their calls for black people to be seen as fully human—think of "Native Son" or "Invisible Man"—are on the remainder table. It is hard to believe, but legendary black writers telling stories about the full scope of the black experience, from Langston Hughes to Toni Morrison, are being pushed aside

334/2009: eid in kano, nigeria.

2009-11-28T08:23:00.000-08:00

A man rides a motorbike with his children after prayers to mark the first day of the Muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha in Kano, Nigeria on November 27, 2009. (REUTERS/Akintunde Akinleye) #

333/2009: cellphone photography.

2009-11-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

a parent's friend took this photo for me on his blackberry. i haven't taken a photo of myself in a while and didn't plan on it. i actually like this grainy photo and i never like photos of myself.

332/2009: oakland shadows.

2009-11-28T07:55:00.000-08:00

i like dark and eerie photos...shadows and the like. brings me here, here and here.

331/2009: grainy eid day photos in oakland.

2009-11-28T07:47:00.000-08:00

330/2009: eid mubarak!

2009-11-27T06:50:00.000-08:00

"But the real question is not, Where is God? It is, Where are the people of God? Where are the people that have the resources, the willpower, the experience and ability to transform the world, to be literally Ansar, helpers for God?" - Hamza Yusuf

329/2009: burnt.

2009-11-26T14:42:00.000-08:00

328/2009: engulf/swallow shadows.

2009-11-26T14:37:00.000-08:00

327/2009: mini-markets and hazy lights (35 mm)

2009-11-26T08:17:00.000-08:00

326/2009: cornel west notes.

2009-11-26T07:01:00.000-08:00

mommy's face is more interesting than cornell west.

- speaking truth: in speaking about the funkadelics, west said 'no deodorizing tonight; we are going to keep to funky,' referring to his commitment to speak truth and not dress up atrocity in sequined dresses and pretty accessories that would otherwise distract our ability to face the truth of our actions and collective negligence.

- spontaneous distribution: i was fascinated by his discussion of his childhood. he told a story about 'spontaneous distribution' and how as a child, inequity would disturb him so that he would, 'distribute' lunches, etc. from those who had excess to those who had to little. i began to reflect on the level of abstract empathy one must develop and the courage one must summon in order to think beyond oneself.

- lynching and american terrorism: his uncle was lynched and wrapped in an american flag--discussed american terrorism. how do we define terrorism? reminds me of some thoughts around lynching and corporeal souvenirs. i am back to the same thoughts around spectacle and terrorism. how does terrorism reflect or is constitutive of a culture of spectacle? there is the spectacle of terrorism which can refer to the ways in which we derive pleasure from witnessing these acts...the acts of terrorism being organized around the knowledge that their is desiring audience. there is also the terrorism of spectacle (closely intertwined with the culture of fear)--the collective violence we do to ourselves...the spiritual, emotional, psychological damage we engage in by willingly witness acts of terrorism, entertaining arguments that terrorism is justified. and i guess terrorism would include act of terrorism reproduced for profit in film. why are so many films about some element of terrorism and why do folks enjoy such media?

- spirituality & the counterrevolutionary: his discussion of atheism and the black panther party was a highlight. i can say that i agree with a large majority of the revolutionary thought put forth by the bpp and kindred movements, however, i am always alienated by the deep seated atheism as well as the acerbic criticism of those who chose to follow a spiritual path.

i remember in college, i came across a similar disposition and was not sure what to make of it because spirituality forms the core of my being. in islam, the fight for justice and the ardent road toward equity is not separate from religious practice or ritual; rather they are inextricably connected--married without the possibility of premature divorce or separation. west said, 'i am a long distance runner in the struggle ad i need some spiritual resources...' i love the way he publicly bridges academia, intellectualism, and spirituality. for the most part, spiritual folks are not considered intellectual beings...as counterrevolutionaries.

colinresponse was also at the cornel west event and wrote:

I think for much of my youth and young adulthood, there was a part of me that internalized an idea that tied Christianity to white supremacy. Due to folks like Hitler, Jerry Fallwell, the KKK, George W. Bush, and a host of others who have used a false image of Jesus Christ and God to gain power, privilege and rob so many of their precious lives and resources, I began to see going to Christian church as something that was counter-revolutionary. I began to polarize the teachings of Christ as a weapon used by hetero/male/WASP to create and reproduce systems of incredulous domination. As ignorant and f*cked up as it sounds, I didn’t believe it possible to be a Christian and also truly righteous because you had to, on some level have blind faith in something. As Dr. West reminded me however, “there is an aspect of faith in every element of our lives.

in response i wrote: there are many days when i struggle with how black folks can be christians given the way in which christianity as been used to enslave, rape, murder etc. then i am reminded of how folks ask how i can be black and muslim given the oft ignored arab slave trade in africa which did include the active participation of muslims, contemporary racism and colorism within the muslim community, etc. at the end of the day we must learn to separate how the spirituality and spirit is abused by others and the potential it holds to heal and be returned to its original state. it is a hard line to walk and it is even more difficult to disaggregate the spirituality from how we see it practiced and interpreted in our current times. it is a struggle toward truth which means it is arduous at best.

and something which i meant to add...college was difficult for me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because i was asked (directly and indirectly) to surrender my spirituality and religious practice to be consider a true revolutionary...to be an activist...to even be considered 'down for the cause.' it was hurtful on

- feces and morality: i spoke about this in an earlier post. west said folks are suffering from 'spiritual malnutrition and moral constipation. right and good get stuck and can't come out.' last night i began to reflect on why he'd use analogies to feces and nutrition.

- what is justice?: he said, 'justice is love in public. it is love with legs spilling over into public square.'

- peacock struts because it cannot fly...

325/2009: love notes from strangers.

2009-11-26T06:48:00.000-08:00

i found this especially beautiful and truthful. from nuruL H./creatinginsleep

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25

a love letter

...your latest photos...I don't know. I don't know you. Of course not. But the world you inhabit, the spaces you move through. You breathe. Looking at your latest pictures makes me fall desperately in love with you, this person I don't know, and never will. What a crazy, stupid thing to say. Don't worry. It's nothing. Perhaps I've had too much wine. Nevertheless. Nevermind.

perhaps the sweetest, and only, love letter (of sorts) that i've ever gotten. i've been a romantic, a cynic, and then a romantic-in-denial. the evolution. the degeneration. but i guess i do believe in Love. especially in that of a stranger's. possibly because the distance makes it so surreal. and thus, easier to believe. the irony of it all. nevertheless. nevermind.

like nuruL, the most wonderful love letters i have ever received have been from 'strangers.' letters, a comment at a bus stop, an anonymous message. they often see things that folks who have been around you forever cannot see. i do not believe in 'strangers' per se; rather i believe there our souls and spirits that are attracted to kindred energies. even if that meeting is ephemeral, the meeting exist and means something in both abstract and concrete ways. we are all connected somehow. it is a vexing situation.

we have been trained to not recognize the beauty in others because it will somehow threaten our beauty.

324/2009: random lists from 2008--epistemological missions and twilight zone.

2009-11-24T06:49:00.000-08:00

i found this random note on my computer. it is dated july 20, 2008. i am trying to think back to where i was in july of 2008 and i am pretty sure i was in south africa. i am not sure how this note connects, but the note reminded me of the other random notes i make for my self to remind me of things to research and explore.

Lunchbox

Tyranny of the Spectacle
Circus
The Geography of blame

Booklist
-Orwell Subverted
-Textual Contraception
-If we Must Die: Shipboard Insurrections
-Rhetoric and Republic: Politics, Civic Discourse, and Education in Early America (Mark Longaker)

Words
-anathema

“the twilight zone” between memory loss/oblivion; secrecy & the ethics of responsibility; the strategies of political secrecy; secret & betrayal and cultural manifestations of secrecy

Yael Naim
Edgar Allen Poe
William Faulkner
Living/Dead
Messa di Voce
Speculative Knowledge
Access to technologies/participation
Stages of development

The past isn't dead. It isn't even past--William Faulkner

there is another dated july 23, 2008:

-epistemological mission
-is victimization the narrative or is endurance?

soul mischief
footsteps in the dark
lionel ritchie all night long

323/2009: i am here.

2009-11-22T20:29:00.000-08:00

i am alive, just very busy. i have been listening to cocorosie, cat power, sufjan stevens, anthony hamilton, and feist for some days now. i saw cornel west last friday night and i have plenty of notes to share specifically on his analogies around feces and nutrition to speak about spirituality--"spiritual malnutrition and moral constipation." i get a break in two days at which point i can break and truly work. there is more i want to share. and i will do so later.

'love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.' -james arthur baldwin

322/2009: poem-- statue of limitation.

2009-11-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

this is an addition to the poem i wrote on october 31st about the gang rape in richmond.

part III--statue of limitation (november 22, 2009)

if you are raped on monday
best to heal on tuesday
suture the wounds on wednesday
you best be better by thursday
tell the authorities before friday
because on saturday, it never happened

321/2009: elevate love, waxing/waning poem, friends.

2009-11-15T10:30:00.000-08:00

1. spectacle: this word has been on my mind for a while--the public spectacle of execution, films like 'precious,' tv shows like 'lockdown: raw,' homelessness (and documentaries about such living), photography, teaching, relationships, etc. how much of what is done daily is done for the sake of entertainment and satiation of an audience we don't even know? so much of life is performative. we perform and this cannot be authentic living, at least it needn't be.

2. changes: i do not know where i will be in september 2010. i was very apprehensive and still am. however, i am also very excited about the possibilities and where i may end up.

3. a waxing/waning poem. this is just a-e:

an asphyxiating amphorous afrocentric abyss. adieu.
beyond brotherhoods beneath buried bliss. brave black birds begin bellowing.
cautious cults collide. crashing clumsily. celebrate.
dancing dangerously to Death. dislocated-displaced.
detaching dispiritedly.
exorcising emotions. eager exiles emerge.

4. friends: some people will be your friends so they can witness, like anxious spectators, your ups and downs. some people will be your friends because their is some tangible benefit. some people will be your friends because no one else wants to be bothered with them. some people will be your friend because it is better than being your enemy. and then there are special people who are your friends because their is an inexplicable kindred connection. i am struggling with the last bit--people who are my friends because there is a real connection. i have been rejected by every subgroup i belong to--either outright rejection or subtle hints of said exclusion. it's sad, but true. consequently, i am very selective about who i call friends and kindreds because there are people who accept me as i am and there are people who accept me conditionally with the hope that i will magically change later.

320/2009: 'precious' little of value in ghetto lit/juan williams.

2009-11-15T09:06:00.000-08:00

i am writing my next column on PRECIOUS and am interested in hearing everyone's take on the film. i read 'PUSH' a few months back because when i went to see the film, i wanted to have a source of comparison and analysis. there have been some unfriendly reviews and some raving commentary. i am looking forward to finding a new entry point to understand this film. i enjoyed the colorlines article 'the black matriarch as villain' in which juell stewart notes,

But beneath the film was something that I found to be problematic: a reliance on the villainization of Black matriarch—rather than a mention of systemic race issues—to make the larger message of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” more palatable...This is a problematic image to see in white media, but it’s even more disheartening to see in examples of Black media. What’s so problematic about Mary is that the woman is made into a monster with no redeemable qualities—a decision that isn’t only lazy on behalf of the filmmakers, but also wholly irresponsible to the African-American community...To ignore 1987 Harlem as the foundation for the permanent Black underclass created by the Reagan Administration through its abhorrent social reform policies—including the War on Drugs and welfare reform—is to ignore a crucial aspect of his characters’ lives...The racialized image of the “welfare queen” is a cultural remnant from the 80s that persists to this day. And it is an image that Americans continue to buy into despite plenty of evidence that suggests otherwise. My problem with Mary’s character isn’t so much that she does so many horrible things—it’s that she’s portrayed as doing them without any reason whatsoever.

juan williams is also not pleases with 'PRECIOUS' and so-called 'ghetto lit.'

'Precious' Little of Value in Ghetto Lit
by Juan Williams

The black imagination as revealed in gangster lit is centered on the world of drug dealers— "dough boys" who are heavy with drug money—and the get-rich-quick rappers and athletes who mimic the druggie lifestyle. And there are lots of "ghetto-fabulous" women, referring to themselves as bitches, carrying brand-name handbags and wearing big, gaudy jewelry. Attitude and anger are everything. The dispiriting word "nigger" is used freely by black characters talking about one another. There are guns and drive-by murders; hot sex that emphasizes the pleasure of getting it on with no strings attached; women without husbands and children without fathers; people who brag about being street-smart and then drop out of school and find themselves unemployed.

[...]

Also increasingly absent are textured stories about rising above the realities of poverty, alienation and racism. Those redemptive works, with their calls for black people to be seen as fully human—think of "Native Son" or "Invisible Man"—are on the remainder table. It is hard to believe, but legendary black writers telling stories about the full scope of the black experience, from Langston Hughes to Toni Morrison, are being pushed aside. Inspirational books on black history or the civil-rights struggle are now for the classroom only. Even libraries now stock gangster-lit novels, because they bring new readers in the door.

319/2009: new york trains and nostalgia.

2009-11-15T06:38:00.001-08:00

this is another photo by spaceship george/kwesi abbensetts. his work is absolutely amazing. i've talked about him before and his work continues to move me.

318/2009: black.

2009-11-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

alan gastel, nyc

317/2009: life is like a box of crayon--john mayer on love.

2009-11-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

i feel like this all the time...

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta'"- John Mayer

316/2009: pomegranate carcasses.

2009-11-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

strangely reminds me of a ripped open carcass. you cannot see it in the photo because it is monotone, but the red seeds left stains of the counter and plastic bags--stains that looks like blood drops and spatters.

315/2009: the evolution of a criminal--darius clark monroe.

2009-11-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

i am looking forward to this documentary for a lot of reasons--it looks very intimate and the trailer uses nick drake's 'a place to be' from his 1972 album pink moon. add darius clark monroe on twitter @daclamo.

Evolution of a Criminal Trailer from CuriousEdit on Vimeo.

This is the trailer for a feature documentary I'm currently editing and producing. The film is being directed by Darius Monroe and was shot by Daniel Patterson.

314/2009: a poem in three parts--richmond gang rape.

2009-11-03T23:24:00.000-08:00

in response to the richmond, ca gang rape, i wrote this on october 31, 2009:

part I

when
rape is sport
unending spectacle

a uniform of purple sparkled dress, painted lips, silver shoes
their dark pants

pre-game brandy, hopeful for eternally spotless minds, flexible limbs,
and quiet forgiveness
tickets sold at the door
promises of discounts, special seating, prizes, and replays
"they said she was naked, and if you want to get fucked, go back there"

jeering audiences
insatiable and audible
in the bleachers
beneath bloodied heavenly skies
painted faces catch the light of the pink moon
in time for

the ritual

dilated eyes
stretched smiles/sneaky sneers
and furrowed skin leaves impressions in the dirt
(they are impressed)

crusted blood leads a trial back to somewhere back there
before that moment when

memories carved on her inner thighs
and battered belly
will she ever wear purple again?

"police received a call from someone in the area who had overheard
people at the assault scene 'reminiscing about the incident'"

we reminisce too.
we see ourselves slowly dying for 120 minutes.
under a pink moon
covered in the blood, semen, and saliva of unknown men
who may know us
and no one came to help.

not inevitable or slipshod lapses
they took snapshots
playback/flashback/slow motion
cameras to capture her catapult into hell
two hours

they collect
souvenirs from the carnival games
trinkets to pass on to cousins
playing cards with positions, players, and points
to exchange on facebook, myspace, texts

make a celebratory exit
but not before one last penetration
deep thrust
to add to their sunday morning story time
about how he fucked some nameless girl
at her homecoming dance
in her purple dress
on a saturday night
under the pink moon

"officers found the girl semiconscious and naked from the waist down
near a picnic table"
they report
a feast they had

the sport
with no discernible victor
because we have all lost.

part II (emily dickinson)

that sacred Closet where you sweep --
Entitled "Memory"--
Selected a reverential Broom--
And do it silently

(1273)

part III

she is
a devout
christian girl
who went to church three times a week
enrolled in honors english

and i asked myself
'would they care if she is...
a devout
something other than
who went to school three times a year
enrolled in GED classes because she got tired of school
would prefer smoking
to booking
still illiterate
had a baby on the way?

if she was PRECIOUS

would we care?

313/2009: south africans 'fought in gaza war.'

2009-11-01T09:34:00.001-08:00

disturbing but not unexpected.

Efforts to prosecute those who may have committed war crimes in Israel's war on Gaza have spread beyond the Middle East.

A lawyer in South Africa has identified 75 South African nationals who he says were fighting with the Israeli army in the war earlier this year.

Feroze Boda, based in Johannesburg and working on behalf of two local pro-Palestinian organisations, says the soldiers should face court action for their involvement.

Imran Garda reports from Johannesburg.

312/2009: palestinians denied water. & All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was

2009-10-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

Israel is denying Palestinians access to even the basic minimum of clean, safe water, Amnesty International says.

In a report, the human rights group says Israeli water restrictions discriminate against Palestinians in the occupied West Bank.

It says that in Gaza, Israel's blockade has pushed the already ailing water and sewage system to "crisis point".

Israel says the report is flawed and the Palestinians get more water than was agreed under the 1990s peace deal. (>>more)

israel and obama said the goldstone report is flawed as well. i guess the unspecific 'flaw' label is an efficient defense when israel is called to account for it's behavior.

there is injustice. and there is absurdity. i want to talk about the absurdity of this injustice insofar as international discourse around what it means to have a 'peace agreement/deal' and who holds the right to 'give rights' to others.

there is much absurdity in this situation. however, the most absurd thing about all of this is the assumption that a 'peace agreement' could include giving israel the right to determine palestinian access to a basic right--water. there is nothing peaceful about legally allowing israel to determine the life and death of palestinians at a very basic level.

as i was writing this, i came across the following quote from toni morrison: “All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was.”

think about it.

311/2009: I Felt a Funeral in My Brain.

2009-10-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

yesterday, a friend told me that only strange and obscure girls like emily dickinson. i earnestly believe that this is an appropriate assessment of the situation. we also like mcsweeny's lists, sufjan stevens, and specific colors like gamboge.

yesterday, i bought two more emily dickinson books: my emily dickinson by susan howe and the pocket emily dickinson. i would like to do a photo series that interprets one of her poems.

i kind of love this poem for many reasons.

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain (280)

by Emily Dickinson

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading – treading – till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through –

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum –
Kept beating – beating – till I thought
My Mind was going numb –

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space – began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here –

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down –
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing – then –

310/2009: finding home.

2009-10-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Satisfaction--is the Agent
Of Satiety--
Want--a quiet Commissary
For Infinity

To possess, is past the instant
We achieve the Joy--
Immorality contented
Were Anomaly.

[1036, emily dickinson]

finding home: after much indecisiveness, occasional nostalgia fueled rants, and a few spells of anger concerning the outrageous costs of flights to any place in africa, i have decided not to go back to south africa this december. and i do not know when i will go back. there is a particular geography of happiness and sanity. in certain spaces, there is an ambience--smells, the way the twilight settles, the way air with the heavy scents of petrol delicately mixes itself with my scent--that cannot be replicated in any way. and even with the beauty of this all, there is an ugliness, something unsustainable and dangerously ephemeral about allowing geography to dictate my moods. and i am aware that it is not just geography; rather, it is also about the people in those places. and i am aware that it is not just people; rather, it is also the moments with those people. and i am aware that it is not just moments; rather, it was my ability to be open, trusting, and curious enough to experience these joys.

consequently, it is not johannesburg to where i need to return--a physical geography. instead, i must return to that self--a spiritual and emotional geography of sorts where i was open, trusting, and curious enough to find joy in even the most mundane.

309/2009: impasse.

2009-10-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

h/t nikyatu.i.am:

Impasse from Reel 13 on Vimeo.

308/2009: 'how would you feel' fundraising pitchclip

2009-10-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

i met terence nance back in 2005 when we studied abroad together in cape town, south africa. when we met, he had a joyful and curious spirit about him. his energy was contagious and i knew he would continue doing beautiful things. he is working to fundraise for a film he is finishing up. please help him out!

How Would You Feel • Fundraising Pitchclip from Terence Nance on Vimeo.

307/2009: 'America, Heal Thyself: Healthcare As A Metaphor For Our National Political Pathology'

2009-10-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

America, Heal Thyself: Healthcare As A Metaphor For Our National Political Pathology
by David Michael Green

Are we a sick society?

Oh yeah. You betcha. That's why we need healthcare reform.

Pardon me, however, for wondering if the treatment is just as bad as the disease. At a minimum, the events of the last six months have demonstrated that we have a political system worthy of intensive care, to go along with the broken health of our society that that very political system is supposed to be fixing.

Not to mention, of course, that from obesity to factory farming to tobacco policy, it is the political system which is in large part causing the illnesses that have in turn demonstrated how ill the country's politics are.

And they are sick indeed. America, alone among the developed democracies of the world, has a singular devotion to regressive ideas, no matter how much harm they cause. This patient is in grave condition nowadays, its body abused severely by three decades of regressive debauchery. Here's the unfortunate diagnosis:

306/2009: i love her face.

2009-10-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

this is a photo by spaceship george/kwesi abbensetts. his work is absolutely amazing. i love this woman's face. it is so textured and beautiful.

this encourages me to get back into portraits. faces are so amazing. i am so scared of self-portraits but i find the faces of others to be so heavy with meaning and narrative.

305/2009: By my Window have I for Scenery*

2009-10-17T18:27:00.001-07:00

*emily dickinson, 797

early morning frost and dew.

304/2009: where i dwell.

2009-10-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

'i dwell in possibility...' -emily dickinson

'Because I could not stop for death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality.' -emily dickinson

303/2009: @ wiretap- 'standing up for muslim women's "writes."

2009-10-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

new column at WireTap Magazine. if is so moves you, leave comments there..

Standing Up for Muslim Women's "Writes"
By Kameelah Rasheed, October 12, 2009

Column: What do we lose when we write for our audience rather than to our audience?

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a friend concerning an online publication that was soliciting "Muslim voices." I won't launch into a diatribe about the insulting nature of seasonal interest in Muslim folks during Ramadan; however, I will note that whenever the narratives of Muslim folks are solicited, I grow nervous. This is not about writer's block; rather, it is a concern for the ways Muslims, particularly Muslim women, are allowed to present themselves through their writing.

When writing is solicited, the narratives of Muslim women are often vetted. The ones deemed appropriate for public consumption generally fall along four plot lines: A trite tale of alienation, sudden acceptance, and seemingly premature celebration; the well-assimilated Muslimah who has an American flag sewn into all of her hijabs; the angry conspiracy theorist who recites Al-Fatihah and preaches about the authenticity of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion ; or the widely accepted apostate who is paraded as the "liberated woman" having successfully escaped the stranglehold of Islamic patriarchy.

We needn't forget the super heroine whose hijab serves as a cap, an unconditional shield against a sexualized male gaze, and a colorful stain-resistant accessory that matches the stitching of her jeans. We can be the super heroines or distressed woman in need of saving. The veiled amongst us are given the option of producing writing that reduces us to a tragic footnote or exposes us as a glaring example of the "clash of civilizations."

"We edit ourselves into the margins and sometimes out of existence."

While there are other spaces for Muslim woman to share their writing such as blogs and alternative publications, in my experiences, if we want to be published widely then we most conform to certain expectations. In many cases, we want our narratives to reach a wide audience because this is a story we want more than our immediate community to experience. In this context, we need to make strategic edits to fit into one of the aforementioned plot lines. This begs the question of whether I am more beholden to my audience or to my actual feelings. In the end, it feels like theatrics rather than an organic process.

All writers are at times directed to write for, rather than to an audience. In the process of crafting prose for our audience, we edit ourselves into the margins and sometimes out of existence. In the post-9/11 world, the industry for Muslim narratives grew out of a desire to understand the "other," while some Muslims wrote out of an urgent need to re-humamize the Muslim community.

For the past year, I have been working on an essay concerning my experiences as a Muslim woman in America. Midway through writing the essay, I decided that I did not want to write about myself. Among many things, I fear that it may be yet another trite tale of alienation and premature celebration. I remember one of the very first things I published about my experiences as an African American Muslim woman in the United States. I was 20 years old and living in South Africa.

Beyond simply being not very well written, the story followed a superhero plot. I tried to convince my readers that hijab possessed magical powers that not only shielded me from a sexualized male gaze, but also gave me the unconditional strength to ignore feelings of alienation and hatred. I cluttered the essay with bloated language.

Additionally, I argued that I was completely comfortable in my hijab and had no misgivings about how I was perceived. As forthcoming as I wanted to be, I was more beholden to my audience and the need to prove my strength rather than articulate my fears.

At 24, I do not feel any greater sense of security as an American Muslim; in fact, I've experienced a greater sense of precariousness as I have traveled, worked in a professional environment and faced increasing incidents of discrimination. I find myself crying in airports when I am forced into that Plexiglas holding cell to endure the "headgear check." I find myself growing increasingly sensitive to remarks about my hijab and insults from strangers. While I don't feel a greater sense of security about how I fit into the American fabric and society as a whole, I do feel a greater sense of responsibility in writing to my audience rather than for my audience.

The difference may appear to be simply semantics, but when we tailor out writing to fit into plot templates, we surrender some element of truth. We deprive the world of knowing who we truly are.

302/2009: guarded light & dark paths.

2009-10-11T22:56:00.000-07:00

18th and guerrero in SF mission.

i love photographing at night and capturing strange lights and entry spaces. if it was safer to be out at night, i think a majority if not all of my photos would be night and early morning based. something magical about the darkness.

301/2009: Publication is Auction/Of the Mind of Man--, nobel peace prizes, and plastic chairs.

2009-10-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

1. on publication: writers by 'nature' are supposed to publish their work. however, i have begun to question the contrived act of organizing one's writing for publication. it begs the question of for whom we write and for what purpose. if publication is the end goal, have we surrender our voice and writer's spirit to the 'fickle food' (emily dickinson) that is writer's fame and recognition. i do not expect anyone to ever know who i am as a writer. furthermore, i don't want to be known. it creates an unhealthy pressure to produce. the production of works for publication is different from writing. i was on the BART yesterday, listening to brother ali and reading about emily dickson. stumbled upon this quote:

acute forms and her apparently homespun though strangely magical and special diction both disarm and intrigue [...] she herself deemed fame 'a fickle food/Upon a shifting plate' declaring fatalistically that, while she would not court it by seeking to 'print,' if fame were hers, she could not escape it. evidence suggest that in the late 1850s and early 1860s, as she was entering scores of poems into the sewn packets that are now called 'fascicles,' emily dickinson hoped to make her already aristocratic family prouder by achieving the honorable title poet. several factors, however, seem ultimately to have discouraged her from publishing. one was probably the maddening imperfect understanding of her poetic methods shown by intimate editor-friends like thomas wentworth higginson, who counseled her to change them. another, perhaps, was her acceptance of upper-class victorian notions that a true lady does not exhibit herself, in her poem 'Publication is Auction/Of the Mind of Man--' (P, 709), she declares publishing 'foul' with fastidious and spirited hauteur [...]

--emily dickison: a collection of critical essays by judith farr (p.1-2)

2. on obama's nobel peace prize: there is irony in our president being awarded a nobel peace prize during such non-peaceful times. yes, it is too early because his deeds are not apparent and words without deed should not be awarded. i am not a 'fan' of michael moore but he astutely notes in 'a prize with a price':

The irony that you have been awarded this prize on the second day of the ninth year of what is quickly becoming your war in Afghanistan is not lost on anyone. You are truly at a crossroads now.

obama can either take the award seriously and PROVE that he is truly a man of peace, or be remembered as the man who was awarded a nobel peace prize without having lived up to the ideals of the award.

rinku sen from racewire advances an interesting argument when she opines that obama should have turned down the prize. she writes:

The Nobel selection committee appears to have so internalized that message that they’ve given the world’s most prestigious honor to a 9-month president whose promises are yet unfulfilled. I’m sure the Nobel committee is very, very smart, but it all made me wonder if they’re so eager to reward the first black president of the U.S. that they wanted to get it done now, just in case he turns out to be a warmonger robbing them of their chance to meet the coolest kid on the block.

[...]

There's an additional element that affects the struggle for racial justice. Obama talks a lot about personal responsibility for black men. He doesn't think you should whine and ask for things you're not willing to earn. Is that just about asking, and never about accepting? Perhaps he will earn it, I'm not saying he won't, but he hasn't yet, as he himself acknowledged.

What example does it set for him to accept huge accolades for things he hasn't done? What does it do to his ability to govern? The courageous thing to do would have been to respectfully decline the prize. Great leaders see beyond all the hype that's projected on to them for whatever reasons to get the actual work done. That's what he, and we, need to focus on today, with no help from the Nobel committee.

a mess this is.

3. web spaces i like:

le coil
kawaii de gozaimasu
beauty in the small
i gather
young fat and fabulous
spaceship george

4. did the whole social thing in SF this weekend. went to a teacher's conference, had mexican dinner with some folks, then ate some ice cream that was delicious in the moment but gave me belly pain later, and wandered the streets of the mission in search of a taxi while avoiding creepy men. there are a lot of pentacostal churches/storefronts on the mission. we passed by at least two in a 2 block radius. at 8pm, they were still going strong. i headed home before it got too crazy in the mission. stopped at the bookstore on the way home and stumbled onto a book about transgender identity.

i love being around other people, but there comes a point where i'd rather just be alone with my thoughts and doubts. maybe i am a loner. probably. and that is okay.

5. i am in the process of writing a letter to my students. i had the privilege of attending a teacher's conference which helped me clarify why i am a teacher and why i love my students. i cannot fully articulate my feelings now, but i hope to soon...in some non-elaborate and mundane fashion.

6. i really love those old canary yellow and green plastic school chairs from the 70s and 80s.

300/2009: nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs.

2009-10-06T06:18:00.000-07:00

After great pain, a formal feeling comes. The Nerves sit ceremonious, like tombs. -- Emily Dickinson

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. Emily Dickinson

officially smitten with dickinson. i fall easily.

299/2009: book acquisitions.

2009-10-04T11:56:00.000-07:00

not sure why people throw out books, but i will gladly take them:

the negro family in the united states, e. franklin frazier (1967 edition)
black bourgeoisie: the rise of a new middle class (1966 edition)
the philadelphia negro: a social study, w.e.b. dubois (1969 edition)
the learning tree, gordon parks (1963)
the crisis of the negro intellectual, harold cruse (1967)
the negro in the 20th century america: a reader on the struggle for civil rights, ed john hope franklin and isidore starr (1967)
before the mayflower: a history of the negro in america 1619-1964, lerone bennett jr. (1964)
natural process: an anthology of new black poetry, ed ted wilents and tom weatherly (1970)
annie john, jamaica kincaid (1985)
goodbye to uncle tom, j.c. furnas (1956)
free soil, free labor, free men: the ideology of the republican party before the civil war, eric foner (1970)
for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf, ntozake shange (1976)
two speeches by malcolm x, malcolm x (1965, the original pamphlet!)

i love the smell of old books. i think i was meant to be a librarian or an academic or maybe one of those wandering people who rescue books from dumpsters. or start a community-based museum. hmm..

298/2009: 'let us go in. the fog is rising.'*

2009-10-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

*poet emily dickinson's dying words. i love emily dickinson because even as she dies she says something clever. she submitted to Allah's will and let the fog take her as it will take all of us.

1. if i stay on the grind and get work done, then i will have time to go see noam chomsky at stanford tonight. should be entertaining with all the detractors present. looks like joe lieberman will be speaking on oct. 18 as well.

2. i am not going to pay $10 to see michael moore's fill about the exploitative nature of capitalism. there is tragic irony in asking me to pay to see this film..during a recession, and simply because he is pushing yet another product on consumers maybe out of necessity, but surely there is a profit motivation. i think michael moore should encourage folks to either bootleg it offline or make his viewings all subsidized.

3. i cooked a big pot of lentils last night: crimson lentils, brown lentils, potatoes, squash, tomatoes, white onion, garlic salt, chili and flakes. then my power went out so i had to sit and eat lentils in the dark with one candle.

4. free food is awesome. the school i work at serves vegan and vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch. also, the parents of one of the woman i work with owns an organic farm in the central valley and she brings free produce every monday. if i gather up all the free foods, then i can greatly reduce my grocery bill. will i start attending events with free food? probably. the more money i save on food, the more i can spend traveling.

5. the economist magazine needs to do a better job of labeling the axis on the graphs it creates. i spent far too much time trying to figure out iraqi surge attack numbers. i indulged in that $12/year subscription, but never have time to read all the issues and i am about 5 issues behind. speaking of the economist, if the nonamed economist columnist are chastising obama for pussyfooting around israel and settlements, then we now we are at a critical juncture.

6. got a beautiful postcard from my girl vuyo in joburg. the postcard said 'talk nerdy to me.' it is beautiful to know that some people know me so very, very well.

7. ordered brother ali's new album 'us.' coworker was raving about it, then he sent me a track and i was sold. buy it from 5th element to get the physical cd and some other jazzy little sticker things.

8. trains can only take you to places that exist. i keep hopping on trains in hopes that the train takes you somewhere that reminds me of someplace i want to be and i keep ending up where i started.

9. i cannot wait for the autumn rains to fall. liquid trinkets. i love what it looks like when it is about to rain. last night, the wind was knocking on my window. convinced it was a ghost of some sort, i did not answer him.

10. if you have never seen 'fallen,' with denzel washington than you need to see it. great commentary on how suseptible we are to our own demons and the demons others transfer to us. great reminder about being cautious about with whom we associate.

297/2009: suitcases & other necessary items.

2009-10-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

i moved last weekend to a new apartment. it is much larger and will only cost me $75/month more. being in a new space makes me feel more productive and centered. my other apartment, besides being tiny and practically windowless, it carried a bad energy that toyed with my moods and general willingness to be productive. while this new place is cluttered because i have yet to completely move in, i feel more at peace.

296/2009: scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed.

2009-09-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

you have just dined; and however scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed in a graceful distance of miles, there is complicity. - ralph waldo emerson

what crime have you been complicit in? what slaughterhouse is concealed in the graceful distance of miles?

295/2009: elastic categories, placeholders, and black holes.

2009-09-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

photo by year of the white dog.

everyone want's to be part of something. and if we aren't, we are instructed to feel horribly insecure. perverse pedagogy at it's best. learn to suture the wound and enjoy yourself. we wait for an invitation into communities we were probably never meant to be in. communities are often artificial, relationships are sometimes more sincere. there are many elastic categories, placeholders, and black holes. we fall in and out of them all of the time. as far as i know, i am not a part of anything. at least, here. i just wander about and i think it may be better that way.

we were never meant to be wedded to any particular group, geography, or emotion but we should be wedded to particular values.

now, all my books have been moved to my new apartment. this feels lonely. i miss my books more than people. this busy week will be capped off my a gil scott-heron, ise lyfe, and orgone. i am going to spend the weekend in san francisco. photos, screen printing, and lots of reading & reflecting.

294/2009: needle-queens, suture the wound.

2009-09-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

our mothers are seamstresses, menders, and needle-queens so i needn’t worry. they can sew my fragments together—suture the wounds.

feeling vulnerable. distracted, dangerously maladroit. scattered and overwhelmed.

293/2009: livestock & eid.

2009-09-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

eid mubarak! there was lots of livestock at eid, but no bean pie. it was a very tragic circumstance. i want some bean pie and a cold glass of apple juice.

292/2009: blk jks, 'lakeside'

2009-09-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

lovely song...allows me to 'visit' joburg without the $2,000 plane ticket.

291/2009: nigerian officials: "district 9" not welcome here.

2009-09-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

i should have seen this one coming...

Nigeria: 'District 9' Movie Not Welcome Here
by THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

One of the summer's biggest blockbusters — a sci-fi morality tale about aliens and apartheid — is not welcome in Nigeria because of its portrayal of Nigerians as gangsters and cannibals, Nigeria's information minister said Saturday.

Information Minister Dora Akunyili has asked movie houses in the capital of Abuja to stop screening "District 9" because the South Africa-based sci-fi movie about aliens and discrimination makes Nigerians look bad.

"We have directed that they should stop public screening of the film," she said. "We are not happy about it because it portrays Nigeria in bad light."

Akunyili said she has asked Sony for an apology and wants them to edit out references to Nigeria and to the name of the main Nigerian gangster Obesandjo, whose name closely resembles that of former Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo.

"We have written to the producer and distributor of the film, Sony Entertainment, expressing our displeasure and demanded an apology," she said. "We have asked that the areas where Nigeria and Obasanjo are mentioned should be edited from the film."

She and other government officials first saw the movie Wednesday during a private screening.

In one scene, Obesandjo tries to cut off and eat the arm of the film's protagonist, in an attempt to gain his supernatural powers. In others, Nigerian prostitutes are seen courting alien customers.

290/2009: dickinson & brecht, play dates, and orwell.

2009-09-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

1. a student who rarely comes to school, connected emily dickinson's 'precious words' to bertolt brecht's quote 'hungry man, reach for the book: it is a weapon.' another one proudly analyzed some voltaire in front of the class. he then proceeded to tell the class how amazingly intelligent he is. i agreed. i also agreed that instead of banging that he should come to my class more often and share his wonderful ideas with the class.

2. at back to school night, no one thought i was a student and i held 10 minute conversations with parents in spanish. i premised all conversations with, 'puedo escribir y leer espanol mucho mas mejor que puedo hablarlo.' some child stamped all over my hands and a i played with a four year old boy. we talked about train tracks and colors. at first, he didn't want to talk to me but after i let him write all over the activboard, we quickly became friends. i am really good at making friends with awkward brown children probably because they remind me a lot of myself.

3. earlier this week, a kindergartner invited me on a play date. clearly, i am more popular with the 5 and under male crowd than the 20+ male crowd.

4. everything smells like joburg. when i close my eyes and walk down my street, i smell greasy hot chips, petrol, and paint thinner. in a nutshell, i guess this is what joburg smells like. clearly, i want to go back to joburg, but part of me wonders if i need to explore another part of this vast earth. i've always wanted to go to russia and india. i like the idea of establishing new roots in a new place.

5. i ordered 'the orwell reader' with the assumption that i would receive the recent edition, but the 1956 edition was shipped to me instead. it was a wonderful surprise because it seems that book covers designed before 1970 are more intriguing...the artists make good use of color and typography and i just love the smell and touch of old books.

6. i love walking. being a pedestrian is an enlightening experience. you notice so many more things as you walk then you would as a driver. i wish everything was within walking distance. i would love to travel this world on foot with a camera and a blank notebook.

7. my little brother has been borrowing my dslr. he has an amazing eye at 15 years old. we must go on my photo adventures together.

8. i am laughing at myself because i seriously believed that i would be able to write a daily ramadan blog. in retrospect, the time posting could have been better used.

9. i am interested in making a 5 minute documentary. no theme or focus in mind, but i want to make good use of nick drake and sufjan stevens.

10. i have some photos that were misprinted and i am going to use them for printmaking. i need the write words to juxtapose on these images.

289/2009: indigenous folks, canada, body bags and swine flu.

2009-09-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

Ottawa sends body bags to Manitoba reserves

Aboriginal leaders in Manitoba are horrified that some of the reserves hardest hit by swine flu in the spring have received dozens of body bags from Health Canada.

Aboriginal leaders in Manitoba are horrified that some of the reserves hardest hit by swine flu in the spring have received dozens of body bags from Health Canada.

The body bags which were sent to the remote northern reserves of Wasagamack and God's River First Nation came in a shipment of hand sanitizers and face masks.

Grand Chief David Harper, who represents northern First Nations, says body bags send the wrong message and no one can understand why Ottawa would do such a thing.

"It really makes me wonder if health officials know something we don't," he said. "I have a right to speak for my people. I make a plea to the people of Canada to work with us to ensure the lowest fatalities from this monster virus. Don't send us body bags. Help us organize; send us medicine."

Harper says it's like sending body bags to soldiers in Afghanistan.

[...]

"This disturbed our community members and continues to be a major concern. We had asked for funding so we can get organized and to ensure medicines, hand sanitizers and other preventative kits were in place but, instead, we are shocked to receive the body bags," he said. "To me, this is unacceptable and I am demanding an answer.

"Is the body bags a statement from Canada that we as First Nations are on our own?"