I was saddened that I could not (like the years before) confidently stand behind a candidate for the Iowa Caucus or the November Presidential elections for that matter. I am astutely aware that as a "good" Black person (and like many self-proclaimed Black loving/I have Black friends liberals) I am expected to support Obama. I am supposed to wave posters, sport his shirts, parrot his rhetoric, shrink in near orgasmic pleasure upon hearing his name, and assert that his election into office signals the global downfall of racism. I know that I commit all kinds of racial apostasy when I express ambivalence about Obama. I intentionally avoid certain conversations because I do not want to appear cynical, acerbic and overly critical.

I don't want to project my perfectionist tendencies onto others because at time, I do believe that my inability to support national and state leadership has to do with my own perfectionism. I promise, this is not about Obama "being Black enough" because that discussion is tautological, reeks of narcissism, shamelessly parades essentialism and engages in an racial authenticity Olympics I am not interested it. Furthermore, the question "Is Obama Black enough?" reaches in the wrong direction distilling the discourse down to a discussion of whether he eats fried chicken, rather than if he is prepared to deal with fundamental issues that affect Black Americas. But, I digress. It is not so much that I do not support Obama; it is that I need more (and it should be noted that the other candidates do not provide this "more" I need).

Let me explain.

I admit I have an insatiable appetite for the ideal, the perfect, the unblemished and painless world. It started when I was young and the site of suffering--homeless, etc. would make me literally cry, then write this little manifestos about how everything should be. I worried my parents to death. At one point they thought I'd end up exiled in Cuba. Anyway. While I carry this idealistic baggage to fault at times, I believe that the American political culture is so degraded that we are taught to accept whatever we are given--taught to accept the mediocre--taught that the mediocre is extraordinary. I do not divorce my knowing that I deserve more from a president from the knowing that I deserve more from a partner. In both situation, we have to love ourselves, our posterity, and our community enough to know that after untold broken promises, broken smiles, broken hearts and broken backs, we deserve more than we are offered.

Given his competition, Obama is the "good," and he is definitely not mediocre. However, I am struggling to see him present something radically different from those who have come before him. I am not bashing Obama because he has managed to be palatable to a wide range of Americans and he has made history with the Iowa Caucus. He has managed to build a community of supporters. He has managed to do what others said he could not. However, I want--no NEED a candidate I can genuinely be excited about. I need to be passionate about this leader as I am about I want someone who can challenge the very values of this nation, and dare I say capitalism itself. I don't think I will see that candidate before I pass from this Dunya. When I say he does not present something radically different from those who came before him, I am trying with all delicacy, but conviction to say that Obama like the other candidates does not challenge the fundamental values, relationships and tragedies reproduced by capitalism. And, I can't expect that he does--no one would ever support him. It is not my intention to present a heterodox narrative/desire/dream for the sake of the pompus and self-aggrandizing exercise of being a contrarian; I sincerely believe in what I write here.

Grace Lee Boggs comments,

Between 1965 (the year Malcolm was killed) and 1968 (the year Martin was gunned down) Black leadership was taken to a new level by King. Agonizing over the twin crises of the Vietnam war and the urban rebellions, he called for a radical revolution in values, not only against racism but against materialism and militarism. Warning against integration into the “burning house” of U.S. capitalism, he emphasized the need for two-sided transformation by and of Americans, both of ourselves AND our institutions, a transformation that would take us and the world beyond both traditional capitalism and communism.

[...]

After his death civil rights leaders, ignoring King’s warning, seized upon the opportunities that had been opened up by “the movement” to enter the “burning house” of U. S. capitalism. Instead of calling upon the American people to confront our consumerism and militarism, instead of challenging corporate globalism, these opportunists became a part of the system, evaluating Black progress by how much they and other Blacks were catching up with whites.

I am aware that there are varied camps--those who advocate for reform, those who advocate for radical transformation and those who champion a murky middle ground. In my 22 years in this dunya, I have hop scotched between all these communities, always certain that where I was the right place. However, I am to say the least, apprehensive about the direction we are going--a direction that reifies values and systems that continuously put far too many people in position that our former civil rights leaders would be disappointed with. As much as MLK is repackaged as a moderate icon with no intentions of radical transformation, the man (and not the icon) was saying something very different. I appreciated that like Malcolm he carried a spiritual message--one that clearly illustrated that the capitalism and racism makes us spiritually and morally bankrupt--to the point where we not only needed to transform institutions, but ourselves and the values we champion.

As I think about the 2008 Presidential elections, Grace Lee Boggs sums up my apprehensions as well as my hopes:

But neither Obama's ethnicity or Hillary's gender is enough to earn my support. Neither is calling on the American people to confront our materialism and militarism or challenging and proposing alternatives to corporate globalization. At this critical period in human history that is what we should be requiring of ourselves and of any presidential candidate, whatever their race, gender or religion.

Maybe I am erroneously waiting for my Prince or Princess Charming of presidents. Maybe I will die a cheeky 4'11 (b/c I shrunk) old woman clamoring on about capitalism's foot on the necks of poor people, shuffling to community action meetings and holding her breathe in wait for the "perfect" candidate all while still writing this blog. Maybe I wont. What I do know for certain is that I have a right to dream about a radical transformation in my country's values and a return to the painful (but necessary discussions) about the radical (there goes that word again) change we hoped to see.