(29) 365/2010: creation space.

this was a tough week. long and stagnant. somber. wet and messy.

but...

friday was beautiful. visitors from all over south africa came to visit my class. they sang, danced, and spoke about their lives. i wanted to cry, but was hesitant to display such a level of vulnerability in front of my students. i smiled a lot. my students noticed my happiness and asked if i missed south africa.

last year, i didn't have time and money to go to south africa last year and as a consequence, i have felt a bit sad and displaced. having these visitors in my classroom--in the space where i've spent most of my time for the past two years, took me back to south africa for 45 minutes. and it was a wonderful journey into time and back into time. i feel grateful that they welcomed ancestors and told their life stories in the space i stand and teach each day. their presence brought such a calming energy to room 5.

i do not have all the word to articulate my feelings. maybe the words do not exist. maybe they are trapped elsewhere and i do not have access to them.

it was just beautiful to hear students talk about wanting to go to south africa...and embracing the place i feel in love with in 2005. it was the moment i felt the most connected to my students and their welcoming spirit. it was the moment i realized that south africa is a magical space and people can fall in love with it instantly..just as i did. my students went into the experience with damaging and skewed perspectives of africa the continent, and left with realization that there are layers of knowing that they are just beginning to understand.

friday...i felt truly alive. you never know that you've been walking around a bit dead until something suddenly brings you back to life.

question is, how do i sustain this feeling of calm and happiness when not in south africa. that will be the struggle.

other reasons why this week was beautiful and blissful:

- my dad singing 'one nation under a grove' by funkadelic

- helping one of my advisee who believes she is dumb and incapable see her amazing artistic talent. she can draw, paint, and photograph beautifully. we are taking a trip to SF to visit the school of arts. this summer, i am helping her to enroll in two community college art classes. i have so much faith in this child's artistic talent and she is finally seeing talent as well

- helping a former student put her modeling portfolio together

- having dinner at the treehouse (stanford) with my little brother and my mom. when i was a student there, i loved the treehouse..it was nice to go back. revisiting geographies

- dropping off my photos for gallery exhibit

- playing around in the darkroom to make photograms

- the opportunity to shot portraits with expired film

- starting photography book with students (each is selecting a person and shooting 5 portraits along with an interview...criteria is 'a story that NEEDS to be told.'

- found a $20 copy of 'the sweet flypaper of life'

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i am playing catch up...

(18) 365/2010: 'each pause a clock inside stone...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'translating footsteps' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(19) 365/2010: 'i could almost walk on air/ the first time i couldn't get enough/ of something & in that embrace...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'a good memory' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(19a)


(20) 365/2010: yellow curtain.


(21) 365/2010: leading.


(22) 365/2010: rainy day reflections.



(23) 365/2010: picket fence.


(24) 365/2010: white lines.


(25) 365/2010: new hobby.


(26) 365/2010: puddle trees.


(27) 365/2010: colored nights.


(28) 365/2010: frames.

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i am on my way to work, so i did not have a chance to edit this. sorry for any typos, but i wanted to get this out...now.

i know i have been away from this blog for now 10 days. i am not gone, but horribly busy and hopefully productive. things have been rough as i am figuring out a couple of things about my life and direction. i have been spending a lot of time in the east bay...which has been nice minus the crazy and persistent men on the street.

i have the tendency to believe everyone's life is going swell and i am the only person who feels stuck. we are all stuck. and the more i realize how blessed and privileged i am, the more i am coming to understand that my feelings of redundancy and staleness are in most cases self-inflicted. i am hardwired not to take risk and not to experiment a bit with alternative ways of constructing my life and art. if anyone knows me, i do a risk analysis for everything. maybe i should have worked in insurance. i am focused on maximizing a sense of stability and routine even if that means i am not trying something new.

the most courageous thing i have ever done was when i packed up my things and moved to johannesburg, south africa in 2006. i did not know anyone there. i knew my fulbright advisor would pick me up from the airport, but i did not even know what he looked like. when i met him, he was carrying a sign with my name spelled incorrectly. he'd written in on a torn box in a black sharpie. all my luggage was floating around washington d.c., so he gave he R200 (around 3o USD), dropped me off at the bed and breakfast and said, 'i'll see you in a few days.' i spent the first few weeks really confused and sad.

eventually, i left my apartment and met some people. the first person i met was an american girl with whom i'd attended undergraduate. i then met this lovely white woman named claire. she was great. she basically took me in as her child. she wrote her phone number down on this flyer for 'marxism day in soweto.' i didn't call for days. then i did. she picked me up in a rust colored car and we along with two men who i eventually became good friends with, took an hour drive into soweto. the next day, i was at her house for her birthday party where i argued with tshepo about whether i was actually black, a well-known activist (i wont name him) tried to seduce me with his wife in the next room, and i talked to some australian travelers claire had picked up along the way. pictures.

time progressed and i met many more people. i took another risk and walked into newtown (the arts district) and signed up for printmaking classes. i met a lot of people here. i also stumbled upon this rasta community of men. had never realized the love rasta men have for muslim women. but they were cool. they taught me a lot about their practice and fed me well.

i have to run to work...but i will reminisce more when i have a free moment.

what i am trying to articulate is that i need to take more risks because i was my happiest when i just tried something new...like moving to another country. maybe the next risk shouldn't be so extreme, but ya...

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haiti.

i have reserved most commentary up until this point. there is a lot of discourse floating about these here internets and i do not have the energy to scour the www. to find every comment. i will say a few things. i find it unfortunate and perverse that the only moments haiti garners any international attention is when there is a disaster. and even with this disaster, it presents itself as an opportunity for to perpetuate more myths about haiti, black bodies, and savior narratives.

re narratives and illusion: 'blasphemy' by yusef komunyakaa

re haiti as spectacle: there is someone deriving sexual pleasure from these scenes. poverty porn. suffering porn. someone is getting off. is it okay to film haitians receiving medical attention. is it not too invasive? do they deserve some level of privacy?

re haiti and adoption: there are a bunch of orphaned haitian children.there were plenty before. but i wonder...will any hollywood stars adopt those kids? curious.

re disaster as industry: someone is making some money from this tragedy. someone has to be contracted to rebuild.

my stomach drops when i see these photos. i cannot breathe sometimes.

everyone has been talking about 'helping' haiti because it's sooo very poor and desperate. very few have taken the time to investigate the root causes of this desperation. becoming the first nation of black slaves to defeat their colonizers and establish a free nation (which was wrought with it's own collection of post-slavery issues) left many european nations both angry and scared. since the 1800s, the united states has engaged in embargoes and other punitive policies related to land ownership, interference in elections, support of dictatorships, occupations, etc.

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there is too much input. there is so much information coming from every corner of the world and these here magical internets. beautiful things, but overwhelming. some days i think about going completely analog. disconnect. i know it wont last long, but i want to try disconnected weekends or hours. my phone is always on, always checking my email, always responding to texts. and tumblr. i believe that tumblr induces my anxiety and worsens my attention span. it encourages the illusion that everything in the world, at some determined point, can be reduced to knowable, possessable objects of knowledge. or maybe this is just my problem. i am an archiver, collector, aspiring historian, etc. but sometimes i can't get a grip of all that there is to know and understand. i do not expect to have mastery of every war, political leader, artistic movement, or emily dickinson poem...but i'd like to feel afloat. these magical internets have opened up great opportunity as far as information access. but i am curious: what happens when we grow more concerned about collecting souvenirs and bits if inofrmation rather than understanding the depth of what we discover? i want to discover and savor. seems like a lot of discovery happens, but there is very little time to process.

i want to slow down. breathe. focus on one task. no more multi-tasking. single tasks. read one book at a time. invest a hour and carefully responding to one email.

i do take the time to take self portraits. gives me a chance to slow down a bit.

(13) 365/2010: 'say something that resuscitates/ us, behind the masks...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'safe subject' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

what happens when i lose focus during meetings (i doodle & color):


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(17) 365/2010: 'he's home safe, i'm ready./ my traveling shoes on, my teeth/ in. i got clean underwear.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'birds on a powerline' from his 'neon vernacular' (http://www.upne.com/0-8195-2208-2.html) collection.

(16) 365/2010: 'tonight's a lazy rhapsody of shadows/ swaying to blue vertigo/ & metaphysical funk'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'elegy for thelonious' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(15) 365/2010: 'ghost under the skin in the bedlam'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'villon/leadbelly' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(14) 365/2010: 'its senseless beauty/ pours a hard light...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'elegy for thelonious' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(12) 365/2010: 'the mainspring of notes & extended/ possibility--what falls on either side/ of a word...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.
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(11) 365/2010: 'a big red lampshade bloodied/ the room, as if held by a mad diogenes.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'song for my father' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

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been going and going. taking the BART into 'town'-berkeley and oakland. a man named tom readjusts my nose piercing. dreaming about possibilities as he forces metal pliers up my nose. drawing and making notes. engaging with folks i met. the men who call me names when i refuse them. this is why i have to stop smiling in public. it's hard. eating well--tofu & avocado sandwich with garlic fries. hot tea. thai soup. tempeh blt. vegan chocolate cookie. saw a beautiful brother at blondie's pizza on telegraph--skin dark as winter nights, blue & white kufi. i didn't say hi. he was focused on that pizza and i am shy. bought bracelets and rings from a tibetan man who always looks into my eyes with intent. he fits my bracelets and rings in store. sends me on my way. smiling. i carry new jewelry, but only on my left side. my body is uneven but balanced. today, talked to a student over the phone about her contractions. she is in pain. she is 16. she will have her first child soon. madrina. reading yusef komunyakaa-'riding the hipbone of memory.' he talks a lot about memory, body parts, sweating, and feces-'in this cellular dirt & calligraphy of excrement.' closed my eyes, soaked my piercing in warn salt water. asked for forgiveness for whatever i've done but don't remember. watched 12 minutes of roseanne. sleep.
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i know i am terribly behind, but i am making up for it now. enjoy...

(10) 365/2010 'good/ with knives, we believed/we weren't poor.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'good memory: meat' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(9) 365/2010: TRAFFIC LIGHT & 'dark harmonies./bright as lamentations behind a spasm band from new orleans.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(7) 365/2010: 'when you two laugh, her rheumatism/slips out the window like the burgular/she hears nightly.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'little man around the house' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(6) 365/2010: 'lyrical against the day's sharp edges.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(5) 365/2010: 'of 3am sorrow.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue is' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(4) 365/2010: 'to wrestle/the mind down to unrelenting white space.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(3) 365/2010: 'the limbo & bridge of a solo...'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'changes; or, reveries at a window overlooking a country road, with two women taking blues in the kitchen' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

continue!

working up on some courage. right now, feeling a bit washed out. all in due time. i need a break longer than 16 days.
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instead of a photo a day, i am working on a series of photos a day then pairing them with a poem by either e.e.cummings, yusef komunyakaa, emily dickinson, or haryette mullen. i will probably use the first month of series for the 6th annual fun-a-day in january. the 6th annual fun-a-day is organized through the art clash collective and brings together creative folks in the bay area to exhibit their 31 days of artistic creationat the rock, papers, scissors collective in oakland. one creation a day for the month of january!

>> the second series is about my father (abu).

the second series is ABU | 2010

yesterday, my father performed his poetry for the first time. he was nervous, but it was liberating to see him in such a vulnerable state--voluntarily. cancer has made him vulnerable without having asked permission first.

(2) 365/2010: 'we always walked circles around/ you, wider each year,/hungering for stories/ to save ourselves from ourselves.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'songs for my father' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(2a) 365/2010: 'slow, erratic, memory's loose...'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue is' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(2b) 365/2010: 'the tongue labors,/a victrola in the mad mouth hole/of 3 a.m. sorrow.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue is' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

continue!

instead of a photo a day, i am working on a series of photos a day then pairing them with a poem by either e.e.cummings, yusef komunyakaa, emily dickinson, or haryette mullen. i will probably use the first month of series for the 6th annual fun-a-day in january. the 6th annual fun-a-day is organized through the art clash collective and brings together creative folks in the bay area to exhibit their 31 days of artistic creation at the rock, papers, scissors collective in oakland. one creation a day for the month of january!

>> the first series, without intention, is connected to an image i uploaded a few days ago. originally, i named it 'it's not burning/add four parts patriotism' but i changed it to 'you can hug flags into triangles,/but can't hide blood/by tucking in the corners.' title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

'you can hug flags into triangles,/but can't hide blood/by tucking in the corners.' | 2009

__________________________________________

the first series is WAR GAMES | 2010

a few weeks ago, i took my students to san francisco for a photography day. it was raining and at one point we took refuge in a dollar store across the street from the BART station. while inside, i decided to buy a bag of 90 ct. green and tan plastic army men. i was certain that i would use them for a photography project at some point and this morning, i did.

i am always curiously disturbed by the militarization of youth via toys. as a teacher, i want to think more earnestly about this.

(1) 365/2010: 'xerozed on brainmatter./grid-squares of words spread like dirty oil over a lake./the tongue even lies to itself,/gathering wildfire for songs of gibe.'

title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'the tongue it' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1a) 365/2010: '¬ blink: breathe in,/hold it till the heart/slows down. the click/of white ball against black/like a kiss'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1b) 365/2010: 'blowing a soundless whistle'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1c) 365/2010: 'i took orders, made my trail/of blood'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

(1d) 365/2010: 'along a precipice of indifference./i can't trust my hands with loved ones, the drum under my skin.'
title from yusef komunyakaa's poem 'fever' from his 'neon vernacular' collection.

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::enter | 2009 (all over)

enter. enter 2010 peacefully and patiently. find your path and commit. happy new year. be safe. be loved. be joyful.
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i don't care what anyone says about nigerian folks. some of my favorite folks are nigerian...fela, femi, now nneka. how did i not know about nneka?

and while you are at it download new mixtape collaboration from nigerian-born singer nneka and brooklyn dj j.period, which dropped december 15th.

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::short stuff | 2009 (my apartment, dining room)

by far, my ability to take photos of myself was a sign of meaningful growth this year...

::four parts deem (little brother) | 2009 (parent's house, living room)

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as i am thinking about going back to work, my anxiety is building. these past few weeks have been difficult and i have been so grateful for this time off from teaching and being 'on.' trying to map a pathway for balance between my personal life and my work life. i need to create boundaries/borders/checkpoints/demarcations/roadsigns. in 2010, i need to say 'no.'

::maps | 2009 (my apartment, living room)

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::solitude | 2009 (my apartment, dining room)

"'I grew up with a lot of punctuation myself, so I understand your nostalgia for parentheses,' the dashing Sister Ka exclaimed to her dingbat friend across the periodic table."
- harryette mullen, 'swift tommy' in sleeping with the dictionary (2002), p.70.
**
written months, maybe a year ago...Slippery syntax makes for graceful ellipsis, and pragmatically placed parenthesis are an efficient escape. I can hide the parts of me others would rather not see and that I'd rather not see. There is grammar and there is identity. The grammar of identity is not always about reflexives and pronouns; rather it is about the punctuation--the periods, colons, and commas--that create undesirable borderlands between identities.

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i really enjoy harryette mullen's writing. it is obscure, incongruent, and deliciously cryptic. i want to take her writing and combine it in some magical way with soundbites from sufjan stevens and jay electronica, snippets of e.e.cummings-emily dickinson-yusef komunyakaa poetry, a low quality recording of an octavia butler interview and a river baptism...down south somewhereabouts...as a mobile performance piece. would be nice to find a place for fela kuti as well. i dream of these magical collaborations...a wonder it would be to orchestrate something like this. i should take this more seriously. how do we map the connections between all these bits & scraps? how do we craft this into a seamless/or not so seamless (sometimes, seeing the seams are good...evidence of editing and human hands) production?

mullen's work is very referential...like paul beatty's 'white boy shuffle.' she makes the reader work.

i wanted to share a piece of writing from mullen's, sleeping with the dictionary (2002).

resistance is fertile |

this system needs your moral fiber like a bowel of x brand flakes. if your kind cannot be assimilated to make spare parts for borg wars, your resistance challenges the ant farm to adapt. you might think the system's tone deaf, but our software is immune. you are the virus that keeps it in tune. we are the tolerant host, which makes you the guest worker colony of e.coli, the chitlins inside the chitlins. catching hits off our perfect pitch, your contra fit's a false note passed through the phony caca. we call you irresponsible, say you're indigestible, and it's undeniably true it's tough to swallow you. your data resisted analysis, but if you are not consumed, your flawed construction only proves that we are perfection cubed. did you need the read the label on olean to know the sos goes out when the chip's going down? to cuisinart our metaphors once again, let's just say that dracula's liquid protein diet could use some roughage to help with his next smooth move. a bloodsucker's got to worry about irregularity. so pollsters press the pulse, take specimens of blood count. pundits pooh-pooh as law and order candidate bruce wayne leaves his potty to go on a turd-pooty ticket.... (p.60)

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i had fun creating this quick animation in photoshop cs3. next time, i am going to use only text and see how that develops.

::mapping, flight, rituals | 2009 (all over)

2010 commitments:

• consistently go to arabic class and memorize last juz of the quran.
• be a better muslim. this takes on a variety of meaning.

• say no to things i do not want to do.
• not being hard on myself for making mistakes. forgive myself.

• curate photography exhibit w/ms. alice wonder in the d.c./maryland/virginia.
• publish a piece of fiction writing (against emily dickinson's warning in her poem, Publication is Auction/Of the Mind of Man--' (P, 709). 'emily dickison: a collection of critical essays,' farr writes, 'she declares publishing 'foul' with fastidious and spirited hauteur [...]').
• finish using a notebook/journal. i have a nasty habit of starting notebooks and never finishing.
• write more.
• read one book every month.
• take more photos. build portfolio.

• have more confidence in my appearance.
• continue to get in shape. this year, i lost about 20 pounds and tightened up a bit. next year, same thing but more quickly.
• run 5k in oakland running festival/marathon
• take a dance class in oakland at the malonga casquelourd center for the arts.

• go to seattle for the rain.
• journey back to johannesburg and photograph rasta community.
• journey down south.

• be a better teacher. take breaks. assess more. nurture more.

2009 soundtrack:

1. jay electronica- 'exhibit c'
2. jay electronica- 'etermal sunshine (the pledge)'
3. foreign exchange- 'daykeeper'
4. sam cooke- 'a change is gonna come'
5. jill scott- 'be ready'
6. jill scott f/mos def- 'love rain'
7. pete rock- 'a little soul'
8. pharcyde-'can't keep running away'
9. death cab for cutie- 'a lack of color'
10. the decemberist- 'today i dreamed i was an architect'
11. nina simone- 'feeling good'
12. nina simone- 'four women'
13. sufjan stevens- 'a short reprise for mary todd who went insane'
14. sufjan stevens- 'decatur, or a round of applause for our stepmother'
15. sufjan stevens- 'you are the blood'
16. sufjan stevens- 'john wayne gracy, jr.'
17. sufjan stevens- 'the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us!'
18. sufjan stevens- 'concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illinois'
19. brother ali- 'tightrope'
20. brother ali- 'games'
21. brother ali- 'you say (puppy love)'
22. zion i- 'trippin'
23. black spade/nicolay- 'i am the man'
24. georgia anne muldrow- 'wheels'
25. rjd2- 'making days longer'
26. atmosphere- 'history'
27. the shins- 'sleeping lessons'
28. fela kuti- 'water get no enemy'
29. coco rosie- 'haitian love songs'
30. coco rosie- 'by your side'
31. j.period & k'naan- 'ololufe mi (messengers remix)'
32. mos def/dj honda- 'travelin' man'
33. cat power- 'sea of love'
34. coldplay- 'spies'
35. coldplay- 'sparks'
36. lauryn hill f/ common & black thought- 'like water (remix)'
37. lauryn hill- 'dedication: a change is gonna come (live in uk)'
38. john coltrane- 'afro blue'
39. res- '700 mile situation'
40. talib kweli, common, mos def- 'respiration (pete rock remix)'
41. feist- 'brandy alexander'
42. feist- 'past in present'
43. gil scott-heron- 'the bottle'
44. arctic monkeys- 'florescent adolescent'
45. michael jackson- 'pretty young thing'
46. jamiroquai- 'canned heat'
47. regina spektor- 'chemo'
48. regina spektor- 'ghost of corporate future'
49. wax poetic f/norah jones- 'angels'
50. fiona apple- 'the first taste'
51. little dragon- 'the last'
52. little dragon- 'twice'
53. lykke li- 'little bit'
54. the roots- 'clock with no hand'
55. talib kweli f/les nubians- 'love language'
56. yeah yeah yeahs- 'maps'
57. amanda ray- 'body of gold'
58. nneka f/talib kweli- 'heartbeat (j.period remix)'
59. telepopmusik- 'breathe'
60. the cranberries- 'ridiculous thoughts'
61. les nubians- 'makeda'
62. modest mouse- 'ocean breathes salty'
63. modest mouse- 'float on'
64. sigur ros- 'saeglopur'
65. billie holiday- 'i'll look around'
66. ian kamau- 'majority report'
67. ian kamau- 'april fools'
68. anthony hamilton- 'ain't nobody worrying'

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